When The Scale is Needed

Fair warning: Rambliness ahead.

So the last couple of weeks have been interesting. Was going, doing pretty well for about two weeks. Then PMS’d hard and ate an entire pint of ice cream, then realized that was basically my entire calorie deficit for the previous 10 days. So, yeah. By “interesting,” I mean frustrating. I’ve been struggling now the last few days, with eating well and getting my self-esteem back up from the bottom of the pit it has fallen into. I know if I don’t turn this around, I will be back at 190, then 200, before I know it. That’s not an acceptable path, so I need to turn myself around. I’m trying. It’s hard to keep building back confidence and “I can do this” attitude when I’ve failed so many times.

I only know one person who has had that classic weight loss story - A Rock Bottom Moment brought on by a boy she likes not liking her back because of her weight, followed by girl going right to grocery store to buy egg whites and lettuce, then home to throw out all the sugar, start working out six days a week and lose 90 pounds in 13 months. Everything is perfect and she finds the confidence she always knew was there, magazines interview her and it turns out she’s a hottie and now her beautiful inner beauty can shine through.

This girl is the only person I’ve even known who actually did change themselves overnight and maintain that loss. The big butt here (not hers anymore) is that she only eats sugar or carbohydrates once a year, and has a very health conscious focused job. That first thing is not something I could maintain. Amazing for her, but I can’t do that, even if it would mean losing all the weight in six months. Right now I’m trying not to gain.

Maybe I’m afraid of trying and failing, maybe I’m just lazy. Who knows what psychological issues I’m hiding? I am getting out the scale tonight - despite the “no scale” month I planned, because I need to face if there’s a gain there. The scale isn’t useful when I’m doing well, when I’m losing, but it becomes a necessary tool when I’m not doing well and need a wake-up call.

So right now, unfortunately, I need the scale. I'm facing whatever it says. Am I totally going back on what I said? Maybe, but I don't think so.

A few years ago, I managed to convince myself that I still weighed my lightest of 160 pounds for a period of months because I just didn’t get on the scale. Denial is a funny thing. I don’t think I’ve put on more than a pound, but whatever it is, I want to know. An electronic bucket of water, if you will.

TL;DR If you’re still reading this, damn, I’m impressed. The bottom line is that this is still really hard, and I’m struggling, but I’m going to keep trying. I do think counting calories is where it’s at. Maybe it’s just as simple as I need to try harder.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself and report.