When The Scale is Needed

Fair warning: Rambliness ahead.

So the last couple of weeks have been interesting. Was going, doing pretty well for about two weeks. Then PMS’d hard and ate an entire pint of ice cream, then realized that was basically my entire calorie deficit for the previous 10 days. So, yeah. By “interesting,” I mean frustrating. I’ve been struggling now the last few days, with eating well and getting my self-esteem back up from the bottom of the pit it has fallen into. I know if I don’t turn this around, I will be back at 190, then 200, before I know it. That’s not an acceptable path, so I need to turn myself around. I’m trying. It’s hard to keep building back confidence and “I can do this” attitude when I’ve failed so many times.

I only know one person who has had that classic weight loss story - A Rock Bottom Moment brought on by a boy she likes not liking her back because of her weight, followed by girl going right to grocery store to buy egg whites and lettuce, then home to throw out all the sugar, start working out six days a week and lose 90 pounds in 13 months. Everything is perfect and she finds the confidence she always knew was there, magazines interview her and it turns out she’s a hottie and now her beautiful inner beauty can shine through.

This girl is the only person I’ve even known who actually did change themselves overnight and maintain that loss. The big butt here (not hers anymore) is that she only eats sugar or carbohydrates once a year, and has a very health conscious focused job. That first thing is not something I could maintain. Amazing for her, but I can’t do that, even if it would mean losing all the weight in six months. Right now I’m trying not to gain.

Maybe I’m afraid of trying and failing, maybe I’m just lazy. Who knows what psychological issues I’m hiding? I am getting out the scale tonight - despite the “no scale” month I planned, because I need to face if there’s a gain there. The scale isn’t useful when I’m doing well, when I’m losing, but it becomes a necessary tool when I’m not doing well and need a wake-up call.

So right now, unfortunately, I need the scale. I'm facing whatever it says. Am I totally going back on what I said? Maybe, but I don't think so.

A few years ago, I managed to convince myself that I still weighed my lightest of 160 pounds for a period of months because I just didn’t get on the scale. Denial is a funny thing. I don’t think I’ve put on more than a pound, but whatever it is, I want to know. An electronic bucket of water, if you will.

TL;DR If you’re still reading this, damn, I’m impressed. The bottom line is that this is still really hard, and I’m struggling, but I’m going to keep trying. I do think counting calories is where it’s at. Maybe it’s just as simple as I need to try harder.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself and report.

Beyonce Pad Thai vs. Liz Lemon - Feeling Food Conflicts

       I despise saying this, but... this is not working. If you're just tuning in, last week I decided to take the choice and planning out of weight loss and temporarily restrict my meals to just a few that I know I like and are easy to prepare. No sweets, either. For a month. This plan came about after a several week long screw-it-all where I ate everything. I'd reduced my 30 pound loss to more like 25 pounds.

He's safe though, right?

       In the past, when I've been all "Let's nail this thing down for a while," it's been great. Temporarily swinging to a stricter eating plan has always been a great way to jump start my work. This time is different though. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like my insides are rebelling, and demanding ransoms of any/all of the Ben & Jerry's Core flavors. (Hilarious dramatization here.) It's pretty bad actually. 

       The past week or two, all I've been feeling is conflicted. On the one side I have the confident part of me, who's probably named Beyonce Pad Thai, the one that knows I will reach my goal, that's encouraging and gentle and enthusiastic. It reminds me that I have done this, and I can do it again. This part of me is also really excited at the awesome future it knows will happen, and lets me fantasize about running into my old torturers while looking all svelte and hot. 

       On the other side, I have this self-destructive, do-what-feels-good-right-now baby, probably called Liz Lemon, who either doesn't care about the future, or has no confidence in my ability to change it. 

       And somehow, both of these sets of feelings exist completely simultaneously and strongly inside my head, so all I want to do is buy that ice cream, but all I want to do, at the same time, is NOT buy that ice cream. So what ends up happening is like today - I didn't buy the 600-calorie cookie, but I did buy a 300-calorie Frappechino. Better, but still not ideal. 

       I'm not sure what to do. For this week, I'm trying really hard to not go crazy, still do my gym workouts, and remember that I'm not always going to feel like this. I could even fit in a candy bar every day and still eat at maintenance levels. That's about a thousand times better than letting loose again and having to re-lose that weight too. I may also weigh myself, because the reasons I had for avoiding the scale don't apply when I'm not really trying. At this point, I actually should know where I really am. Then maybe I can regroup and try this plan again. Because overall I do think it's a good one, and one that I need. 

       Usually one voice is much stronger than the other, allowing me to eat or not eat the brownie, or maybe to eat the brownie but then stop at just one.  Or the actual me is able to take control, not be passive, and show them who's boss. 

       The kind of good thing about all of this though, is that I haven't given up. It's more like I'm in hibernation, and trying to do as little damage as possible while waiting for the weather to warm up. Okay, not a perfect comparison, but you get the idea.

       TL;DR - food monster winning, need to stick it out

Do you have your own Beyonce Pad Thai, or Liz Lemon? 

Self-Sabotage and "Deserving" to Lose Weight

After I posted last week, I was feeling great. The next four or five days I was wonderfully on track - I ate well, went to the gym, and overall felt in control. No office cake for this lady!

Then I screwed up yet again over the weekend, and I’ve been trying to get back ever since. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am of feeling this way?

Maybe it’s the Psych major talking, but I spend a lot of time analyzing my emotions. In this case, my overeating was systematic and deliberate. It was almost that I was actually making sure I wasn’t eating well. Why the self-sabotage?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve to lose this weight - to be healthy, to look better and feel better. That would be a self-esteem issue. Or maybe there’s a part of me that seriously doubts my ability to actually lose the weight and, more importantly, keep it off. So that part of me, in its infinite wisdom, is willing me to give up before I start, so I don’t waste all this time and energy. That one also mostly comes down to self-esteem.

Whether it’s one of those reasons, or some other deep-seeded psychological issues that will only be revealed under deep hypnosis, the end result is that I’m still really struggling. My goal at this point is to just not go crazy. Last month when I was also struggling, my goal was just to not go backwards, and I was able to do that. I need to keep that up now, and to remember that I do deserve this. Everyone deserves to be healthy, including me. I just have to earn it.

This weekend is yet another Jewish holiday, ones that ostentatiously revolves around cheesecake and blintzes (don’t ask). I will probably be surrounded by food from Friday night through Monday night, but not be able to track or go to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Based on how much I’m dreading the food part of this holiday, I think I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself. The faith that I can be in this for the long term, that I can beat the appallingly bad statistics on successful weight loss and maintenance, is quite fucking important. It what makes you keep going after you make a mistake.

I have no plan for the holiday, honestly. I have told the husband that I’m not in a good state of mind, food-wise, and he should be aware of that so he can gently ask me if I actually want that [calorie bomb]. John’s also very useful in meals - if I take a piece of bread without thinking, and then realize or decide that I don’t want it, I can pass it to him. He’s a slim guy with a big appetite. This is helpful because I can change my mind about food without trying to awkwardly put it back, or feel like I’m wasting it.

However, after this holiday, when the time is mine again and the weather continues to be lovely, I am going to take a hard, honest look at myself. I need to make progress again, for my sanity as well as my health. I’m considering doing a Whole30 or some other short term limiting diet. Going to one extreme for a little while can help to find a balance. I am usually willing to try any reasonable meal plan, as long as I don’t have to buy any special products. But the bottom line is that I need to refocus, and also actually work on my relationship with food. 

Healthy people don’t eat cake because of weird psychological reasons that they need to analyze, but just because cake is delicious. I’d like to be one of them.

Weigh-In: Clouds and Clouds

Feeling a bit blah the last couple of days. You know the feeling? Just a little cloud over me, less energetic. These moods suspiciously coincide with PMS.
My goal is just to give myself a few maintenance days until I don't feel like shit. I don't want to put pressure on myself to lose, but would really hate to go backwards. So if I don't buy a pint of ice cream tonight and eat most/all of it, this evening will have been a success.

This week's weigh in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/25	3/24	3/31	4/7	4/14	4/21
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181.4	177.2	174.6	177	172	168.4	170	168.6	170.4
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.5	62.7	60.3	60.8	58.8	61.3
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	67.3	63.9	64.4	68.2	62.7	61.5	61.5	62.7	65

More fluctuations, yay! (Not.) At least I'm still two net pounds down from last month, but frustrating because I expected to be closer to the mid-160s now. Ah well, I'll get there eventually. 

I hope you're having a better week than I am!