Perpetual Dieters

Who are these people, the Monica Gellers of real life, who have some kind of rock bottom, aha moment, or whatever we’re calling it these days, and then just go on a diet and live happily ever after? They realize that they weigh more than a baby whale, or more than an adult whale, or something, and then just - do it, somehow?

I don’t think these people exist. It seems like weight loss is more like 10,000 of those moments. If all it took were one of those moments, then nobody would ever gain any weight back. But based on the real numbers, it seems like, instead, there are millions and millions of people who spend their lives in a perpetual state of trying to lose weight without ever getting closer than 30 pounds to their goals. The thought of that scares me more, frankly, than just accepting my extra weight. To spend my life trying for something that’s totally doable, and actually pretty simple, and constantly failing.

The first and only GIF I've ever made.

In case it wasn’t completely obvious, I’m… not great. Not going off the rails like a month ago, but really just having zero confidence in myself. Confidence that I’ll lose this weight, that I can have a normal and healthy relationship with food, and the mindset that I deserve any of these things. I mean, I can’t even follow a simple eating plan for a month. One that I made up, no less.

We were at my parent’s for the weekend, and there’s just so much food, so many activities centered around food. The entire Jewish New Year holiday consists of prayers, eating, and napping. Since then, I’ve been kind of plodding along, neither here nor there. I ordered some “my eating plan”-friendly groceries that will arrive tomorrow night. It sucks. I wish I could just get out of my own head, or go to some little room where I receive nutrients via pills and lose twenty pounds in a month.

I am trying to be more positive, maybe whine less. Yup, the above WAS me whining less. Scary, I know.

I can try focusing on what I didn’t eat - the things that I would have, without a doubt, eaten if I wasn’t trying to be better. The whole “yes, this isn’t great, but it could/would have been so much worse.”

I’m going to start trying to jot down a couple of these every week. I want to remind myself - or anyone reading this - that even when I’m annoyed with my eating slip-ups, I should give myself credit for what I did accomplish. Because usually there is something. Sometimes it seems like a pretty small accomplishment, something that makes you think “Well this isn’t really something to be proud of, this is something that people do all the time without thinking about it.” But what’s hard is different for everybody, therefore there’s nothing wrong with giving credit when you do something that’s hard for you. When I was depressed, I felt like a boss when I woke up before noon on a Sunday. And now, when I sometimes feel like a failure, but then I walk past the candy bowl at work and don’t have any, I think “Wow, I’m fucking amazing. Seriously Leah, this is probably the greatest accomplishment in the history of America.”

John and I have been watching Parks & Rec. Yes, the show is over and we’re super late to the party. If you haven’t seen it (no spoilers here), one of the many great characters is Chris Traeger, played by the stunningly beautiful man-god Rob Lowe. He’s a super-de-dooper optimistic person, and manages to be the only person on Earth who misuses the word “literally” and isn’t irritating about it. When someone greets him, he’ll say, “Ah, Ann Perkins and Leslie Knope. You are, literally, my two favorite people in Pawnee.” Or, “That is literally the best idea I’ve ever heard.” 

Why isn’t it annoying? I think it’s because he really means it. Chris is so positive, optimistic, and full of life and joy that every new idea really is the best idea to him, every person, at that moment, is truly his favorite person, and when he says that his heart “literally” broke, he probably thinks that it did.

I know it’s just a TV character.. but still, what an amazing attitude to have. I don’t see why I can’t have the same approach to eating well. So when I bypass the cake at a farewell, and I tell myself, “Look at me, not having cake, how amazing am I?” that’s perfectly fine. I hope that turning down treats won’t always be a cause for my celebrating, and that it will come more naturally. But for now, I will give myself all the positive reinforcement I can get.

Beyonce Pad Thai vs. Liz Lemon - Feeling Food Conflicts

       I despise saying this, but... this is not working. If you're just tuning in, last week I decided to take the choice and planning out of weight loss and temporarily restrict my meals to just a few that I know I like and are easy to prepare. No sweets, either. For a month. This plan came about after a several week long screw-it-all where I ate everything. I'd reduced my 30 pound loss to more like 25 pounds.

He's safe though, right?

       In the past, when I've been all "Let's nail this thing down for a while," it's been great. Temporarily swinging to a stricter eating plan has always been a great way to jump start my work. This time is different though. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like my insides are rebelling, and demanding ransoms of any/all of the Ben & Jerry's Core flavors. (Hilarious dramatization here.) It's pretty bad actually. 

       The past week or two, all I've been feeling is conflicted. On the one side I have the confident part of me, who's probably named Beyonce Pad Thai, the one that knows I will reach my goal, that's encouraging and gentle and enthusiastic. It reminds me that I have done this, and I can do it again. This part of me is also really excited at the awesome future it knows will happen, and lets me fantasize about running into my old torturers while looking all svelte and hot. 

       On the other side, I have this self-destructive, do-what-feels-good-right-now baby, probably called Liz Lemon, who either doesn't care about the future, or has no confidence in my ability to change it. 

       And somehow, both of these sets of feelings exist completely simultaneously and strongly inside my head, so all I want to do is buy that ice cream, but all I want to do, at the same time, is NOT buy that ice cream. So what ends up happening is like today - I didn't buy the 600-calorie cookie, but I did buy a 300-calorie Frappechino. Better, but still not ideal. 

       I'm not sure what to do. For this week, I'm trying really hard to not go crazy, still do my gym workouts, and remember that I'm not always going to feel like this. I could even fit in a candy bar every day and still eat at maintenance levels. That's about a thousand times better than letting loose again and having to re-lose that weight too. I may also weigh myself, because the reasons I had for avoiding the scale don't apply when I'm not really trying. At this point, I actually should know where I really am. Then maybe I can regroup and try this plan again. Because overall I do think it's a good one, and one that I need. 

       Usually one voice is much stronger than the other, allowing me to eat or not eat the brownie, or maybe to eat the brownie but then stop at just one.  Or the actual me is able to take control, not be passive, and show them who's boss. 

       The kind of good thing about all of this though, is that I haven't given up. It's more like I'm in hibernation, and trying to do as little damage as possible while waiting for the weather to warm up. Okay, not a perfect comparison, but you get the idea.

       TL;DR - food monster winning, need to stick it out

Do you have your own Beyonce Pad Thai, or Liz Lemon? 

Weigh-In After Holidays & What All Those Jewish Holidays Are

Sunday was the end of another holiday period, this time at my parents’ house. It did not go well. There will be another holiday/the tail end of this holiday starting in two days.

To back up slightly, I guess it’s time to explain what all of these vague holidays are to which I’m constantly referring. Feel free to skip the next two paragraphs, obviously. So I’m Jewish, and we have numerous holidays in general, but three that fall close together in the fall. We recently celebrated the Jewish New Year, followed ten days later by a day of repentance called Yom Kippur, in which we believe we are judged for our deeds, good and bad throughout the year. Despite the solemnity, it’s actually considered a happy holy day, one in which we get to “start over,” really reflect on our actions the past year, and think of what to do better in the future.

Currently, we are celebrating the holiday of Sukkot (Soo-kote), an eight-day festivity that culminates with a separate but related holiday in which we celebrate when God gave the Jews the Bible after having led them out of Egypt. Sukkot is two-fold: it is a celebration of the harvest, and also when we remember our ancestors wandering the desert for forty years and only living in temporary huts. Why were we wandering? The excellent joke answer is that the Jews wandered for so long because Moses wouldn’t stop and ask for some damn directions, but the religious answer is that the Jewish people had make a huge boo-boo right after they got the Bible and were being punished. The holiday is eight days, on which additional restrictions (no electricity, no work, no driving/trains/planes, no writing) are in place during the first two and last two days. 

We just had the first two days, now we’re in the middle where it’s business as usual with a few traditions thrown in, and starting on Wednesday night, we’ll celebrate the rest of holiday and have the restrictions again.

What do we do during this time? Pray, eat, sleep, play board games, take walks, take naps, have long discussions, read, learn, unplug from life. It’s actually a great deal, except when you’re me and trying so hard to stay healthy.

So that’s that. If you skipped the above, basically it’s like having Thanksgiving in your house - lots of food, family, and friends. But for two meals a day, for three days. And you can’t go to the gym, write down/track your food intake, or buy anything.

I just ended one of those periods, and it didn’t go how I’d hoped. I had been planning to leave work early on Wednesday, but it got unexpectedly stressful, I left later than I intended, and didn’t get to break for lunch (or at all). Then my train home got delayed, so I got out late, stressed, hungry, and a little hormonal. Not a good combination or start to the holiday. So I overindulged on Wednesday, ending the day annoyed at myself but trying to look ahead to the rest of the holiday. 

But I didn’t have a plan, couldn’t track, hadn’t had the chance to exercise on Wednesday - I don’t even know what happened, but I’m pretty sure I gained. There were some times when I picked and chose alright, like having bread at a meal, but no rice or potatoes, or just splitting a cookie with J. But mostly I got overwhelmed by the sheer amount of food in front of me. My family is pretty healthy, and desserts were saved for weekends and special occasions. But this WAS the special occasion, and I went in knowing that there would be a huge amount of food available, all the time, with no thought as to how I might avoid partaking too much.

Over the Jewish New Year, which we celebrated with J’s family in Michigan, I spent so much time and energy worrying about food, and after all that I only managed to essentially maintain my weight. I didn’t want to repeat that this time, but rejecting that plan and not coming up with a new plan left me with zero plans. If I had had a plan, I might have eaten it.

There is, of course, a giant ‘but’ to all this. A lovely ‘but’ with a bright side and a silver lining. And that is, it was only a couple of days. Even if I do equally as crappy during the next (and final!) days of holy this week, it’s still only a few days. I won’t gain back twenty pounds over a week, even though I might gain one or two. Therefore, as long as I can immediately and completely forgive myself from any overindulging over these holidays, and get right back to tracking, exercising, and healthy eating, I’ll be fine.

Yesterday I went to my Zumba class, tracked my food, and today was equally successful. And I’ll do my best over the holiday (come up with a new plan?) - but no matter what, next Sunday I will get back into the groove again, accept whatever gain, maintain, or lose I get, and keep working. I will get to the 170s.

As of yesterday, I am at 182.5 - up, but not as badly as I thought it would be.

Weekly Weigh-In: The Free Lunch

I did not leave off on a great note, but things are better. The good part is that even though the last couple of weeks have been somewhat challenging, I haven’t thrown in the towel. I was able to splurge within my limits, and balance out a few really caloric days with even more lower calorie ones. Right now it’s not about vanity - it’s about health and, to a lesser degree, practicality. My current body fat percentage lies around 38% - that’s really unhealthy, and I’m pretty sure that most of my winter clothes are snug.  

Anyway, here is last week’s weigh-in:

	June 8th	August 4th	August 12th	August 19th	August 26th	September 3rd
Weight	191.2	184	183	182.6	181.4	182.8
Pounds Fat	82.7	74.5	70.4	72.5	71.8	73
Pounds Muscle	67.3	68.2	66.4	66.8	67.3	67.2

Annoying, but I am hoping that some of this is bloat. Meanwhile, according to my calorie counting, I have had a calorie deficit of twelve pounds over the last three months. That means I “should” be in the 170s, so I’m counting that as a win. The rest of this week has been much better. I’ve had couple of “why did I eat that/that wasn’t worth it,” but I’m still at a good calorie deficit for the week, and I know feeling guilty won’t help anything anyways. I’ve had to remind myself of that a few times - that punishing myself will really just make me feel worse and more likely to overindulge.

I’ve been thinking about these past couple of weeks, trying to figure out what’s been so challenging about it. Besides the stress, I think a small part it is that I’ve been really bad about making and bringing my lunch. Usually, my motivation is more about the financial aspect than the calorie one. After all, I’m working in an area where there are ten different healthy options on my block alone. So even though I know it’s not the best idea in terms of money, I’m able to justify buying lunches that fit into my weight loss goals.

However, I overlooked the importance of choices and willpower. Every day at lunch, even if I ended up at the healthy place eating the calorie-friendly, superfood-by-day-ninja-by-night food, even if the choice was easy, I still had to figure it out. There is research that suggests we have a limited amount of willpower and decision making abilities - so the tiny decisions we make all day, every day really do take away from some internal strength (NY Times article linked). Everyone is different, but we all have that point where we just can’t decide anymore.

My weight loss success depends on controlling what I can and doing my best with the rest. The more I can reasonably control, the less willpower or decisions will be required to eat well. That means that I need to start packing lunch. It doesn’t matter that I have lots of healthy options available because deciding what to have for lunch is still a decision. Even if I end up with the salad, I’m still looking at the brownies and deciding not to get one. Why not avoid all that? It’s the same reason I realized that I can’t handle having ice cream in our home. If it’s there, I will think about it, and I will want to eat it. And if it's not there, I'm probably not going to go out and get it.

Bottom line: I need to figure out a way to bring lunch. It means some preparation, but the reward is that I don’t need to worry about food during the workday. Tonight for dinner I made tilapia, rice, and some roasted onions and asparagus, and will bring leftovers for lunch. Tomorrow or this week, I’m going to make a list of a few no-prep, reasonable lunches for which I can always have the ingredients.

Weigh-In: Pretentious Appetizers and Mojitos

There were several cocktails, a couple of shots, roasted potatoes, some kind of grilled flat bread with arugula and goat cheese, “creamy avocado dip with homemade tortilla chips” (fancy chips and guacamole), and, of course, Cheetos.

It was a really fun night out with my coworkers, celebrating the departure of one of the attorneys. Last Thursday evening started at the happy hour with a mojito and ended at 3 am at a karaoke bar with Cheetos and several outstanding renditions of classic 2000s pop songs.

However, it was also my highest daily calorie intake in a long time. When I finally calculated up everything on Friday, my estimated total was about 3,000 calories. So, yikes. Amazing how quickly a few cocktails and appetizers could add up to such a massive amount of calories. I knew I was saying screw it and enjoying the food and drinks, but I didn’t realize how much until after. And even after that, I enjoyed a delicious burrito the size of my head for lunch on Friday, a totally unnecessary consumption.

I’m not going to be angry at myself, especially since I picked myself back up on Saturday, but I’ve been thinking about what happened, why I let myself get so out of hand. Maybe it was just the rare calorie wild evening, which could fit into an overall healthy lifestyle. My coworkers imbibed as much as I did, and none of them have weight issues, so clearly they know how to balance food- and drink-filled nights with regular daily life. Or maybe I really needed an evening of just eating whatever I wanted. However, I will try to remember that those every-once-in-a-while nights only work if they truly are every once in a while.

Here is this week’s weigh in:

Measurements	June 8th	August 4th	August 12th	August 19th	August 26th
Weight	191.2	184	183	182.6	181.4
Pounds Fat	82.7	74.5	70.4	72.5	71.8
Pounds Muscle	67.3	68.2	66.4	66.8	67.3

So basically, score! Another pound down, and now officially ten lost total. Last week, when the scale didn’t seem to reflect the successes from the week, I(so graciously) decided to forgive it. This week, I scraped up a ½ pound deficit even with the 3,000 calorie day. This is good. I can do this.

I may yet squeak out my goal of getting to the 170s by Labor Day, but probably only if I dehydrate myself a bit.

Week 4: Almost Halfway

Week three, which ended last Sunday, was the definition of “good, but not great.” I ate at my calorie deficit, just not the 1.5 lb/week one I was aiming. I exercised, but not as much as I’d like. It was a reasonably successful week but not as good as it should have been.

This week has been harder, the first “hard” week since I restarted. I am glad it’s almost over and look forward to getting back to normal, boring life on Monday. I can get food-challenged when (pretty normal) life stressors happen.With the exception of Wednesday, it hasn’t been that bad a week with food, it was more challenging and with lower than goal calorie deficits.

This week, J spent most of his time helping his dad with moving-type projects and we’re still not done. Altogether we spent a lot of time out of the house on various errands, and then stayed a few extra nights at my parent’s house because of all there was to do. While I could have packed lunches and cooked from there, I just… didn’t.

As for Wednesday, I ate some of the chocolate mousse cake at a farewell office party, plus a bit of picking at the leftovers that were in the kitchen. It was delicious, but not worth it. I also ended up eating Chinese food for dinner. Not close to a binge, but too much nonetheless and possibly into gain territory for the day. The cake did not lead to the chicken moo-shu in a guilty, who-cares-I-already-messed-up kind of way; it was more I’m-really-stressed-out eating with a side of sticky rice.

While I was eating, I was also thinking how I was most definitely using the food to comfort myself from the week and working so hard to stay positive because J was quite stressed. Yet my reaction to these thoughts was along the lines of “It’s working. I kind of feel better.” Maybe as long as this is a very rare occurrence and I really do follow my eating plan the rest of the time, it’s okay.

I know the most important thing is to not allow an imperfect day to make a crappy week. I’m almost halfway through this eight-week crunch time, four weeks from actually knowing my weight and if I lost body fat. It’s good to remember that even if I’m can’t always control where I am or what food is put in front of me, I do control whether I eat it. It’s obviously easier to eat food that someone put in front of me, and harder to resist, it’s still my choice. So far I’ve been really proud of my progress, I’m not going to stop now.

Last night we flew to Michigan to visit J’s mother and her husband. His mom had told us that they recently adopted a second cat, but I didn’t realize until we arrived that it’s a tiny, pure black, mewing little kitten, who currently spends most of her time on my father-in-law’s shoulder.

She fits inside a shoe.

Adorable kittens aside, J’s mom is throwing an Independence Day party today and I’m about to go help her set up. She invited a ton of people and bought 3 tons of food, but (at least right now) I’m feeling confident that I can be in control and not let “it’s just sitting there” wear me down.

Happy July 4th to all! It's July 4th everywhere.

I Still Have a Ways to Go

        Last night I was not in the best place. A couple of weeks ago, I had some late work nights and it was tough, but I handled it alright. This time, I have not risen to the challenge when things got just a little bit harder.

        There were so many treats around, and the unexpected below freezing weather (snow!) combined with religious restrictions on driving and other travel meant that most of the last few days were spent in the house. Somehow there wasn't a chance to have a fun afternoon of board games, or some other communal entertainment. It was still really nice to be with my family, but I think everybody was a bit tired, ironically, after all the Seder sitting and long meals.

         I did not make the best choices. I was trying, but kept failing. I would eat a bit of something, think, alright, I didn't need that. I'm just bored, and it's here, and it's something to do for a moment. It's ok, but maybe stop picking at this food now. And then I wouldn't. And then I wouldn't again. On Tuesday I realized I just needed to stop eating in-between meals because that's when I ate all the crap that I later regret. Those little bits here and there, and here, and before I realized it, I'd eaten about 500 extra calories of sweets - just by having a macaroon, or an almond cookie, every hour or so.

Nope.

        The funny thing is that this was the version of me trying, but failing, to eat well. If I had not been trying at all, I would absolutely have eaten thousands more calories. It would have been worse because I would have stopped caring and given up on myself completely. I'm not sure where I am at the moment, calorie-wise, but I sure as hell know that's it better than some past experiences.

        So: last night found me in bed at an odd half-sitting half-laying-down angle, trying not to think about what I'd eaten, not wanting to deal with it, not wanting to do what I knew I should do, which is go on the elliptical in the basement for a bit, pack lunch for work the next day, and answer the questions about laundry that the friends looking after our apartment needed answered. Not wanting to deal with any of it, really. I wasn't in denial, I was actively procrastinating.

"Only my face in the music video, you hear me? Make it work!"

        Looking back, it's clear that some of these negative feelings were due to cabin fever - last night, I had been in the house for two days straight - and also being generally lazy about going back to work after a few days off. 

        At midnight, I packed a lunch for the next day (today), and spent a half hour on the elliptical, watching an old episode of Family Guy and wondering how on earth they get so much dirty stuff past the censors. I never felt so proud as doing those small things. Credit goes to J (husband), who was really great. He knows about and tries to understand my struggles as best he can, and is really good at cheering me up when I'm down.

Sneak hug.

        He reminded me of what I already knew but maybe needed to hear - that this isn't that big a deal, basically. It's a few days of overeating, and a few days of not working out. It's understandable, I'm still learning how to make good choices when I'm not in an environment that I control or one in which I'm used to overcoming temptations, and I'm not perfect. I don't need to get upset over my choices, I don't need to feel guilty for indulging, even if it's this whole holiday.

        At worst, if I can go back to our good habits after it's over, it will only a week out of this journey. A week won't break me unless I let it stretch into more. Despite a packed lunch today and a workout last night, the rest of this week might suck. But I'll try my best now, however many calories that means, and start next week fresh no matter what.

Happy Passover, Easter, or just weekend in general!

The Most Important Weight Loss Tip I Know

On Tuesday John (my husband) and I stopped at the drug store after the gym and got some chocolate truffles. We've bought candy a few times since we started working out, when I'd track a workout and realize I had more calories to spare than I'd anticipated.

My favorite kind of math.  

It all worked out well on Tuesday, but then on Friday I ate all the chocolates that were left. I'm not sure what led me to do that - maybe I was de-stressing from the week, maybe I was bored, maybe I was feeling like some self-sabotage.

Not surprisingly, I felt guilty over it and angry at myself, and that quickly led to writing off the rest of the evening. Might as well grab a handful of chocolate chips. I knew this was the worst kind of trap to fall into, letting one non-ideal food choice lead to another.

During these delightful times, I try to focus on the best piece of weight-loss advice I ever got. It's something that I still struggle with, but am continuously working on.

When I eat something that isn't part of my weight-loss or general healthy eating plan, I try to forgive myself. Immediately and unequivocally. You should, too. 

Whether you ate an extra brownie, or an entire jar of frosting, it really doesn't matter.  Assuming you didn't eat the last of an endangered species or a still-steaming and possibly animated pie you stole off somebody's windowsill, the only person you've affected is yourself. And not that much, probably. Perhaps you've made a mistake, but you're human and it happens. 

Nobody belongs here.

You ate it; perhaps it wasn't the best choice to make, and it may even put you over your calories for the day or make you bloated tomorrow, but feeling guilty over it will accomplish exactly nothing. 

Guilt may seem like an unavoidable and appropriate self-punishment for eating something off your plan, but it will just make you feel badly about yourself, force you to focus on the past choice instead of moving forward. All that will make it more likely that you'll make additional negative food choices, choices you might not have even considered otherwise, which could in turn lead to more guilt and more food. 

This tastes like shame.

This is something with which I still struggle, but I think just acknowledging and reminding myself that I don't need to feel badly helps. On Friday I ate the chocolates and the chips, but on Saturday  I tried to get right back to it, and make and enjoy reasonable food for the rest of the day. 

That not-feeling-guilty also means not punishing myself by eating less later, even if I technically "deserve" it. In general, even if that initial pie or whatever has already used up most of my allotted daily calories, the only adjustment I am willing to make to my eating is to skip dessert (because I've already had it). I will not skip meals or eat lettuce for dinner and go to bed hungry, even if that would allow me to "make up" for the pie and get that magical 500-750 calorie deficit, because that would be punishing myself.

 Instead, I accept that perhaps this won't be a calorie deficit day, and that's not the end of the world. My goal is to not allow any single bad decision to spiral into more, and to just wake up tomorrow and keep going.