NBD, Just On a Classic Blogger Weight Gaincation

Hi. How does this usually work? Do I explain that I’ve been just so busy with my super duper busy life, gained between three and forty-three pounds, but now I’m back on day three of “The New You Diet”TM and totesOMG ready to do this again this time it will stick I’m so motivated?

The truth is, I’m not even sure what happened. I ate like it was going out of style through July and most of August. It wasn’t like freshman year of college, when I got to 200 pounds by eating unhealthy foods at mealtimes and just refusing to think how many calories I was consuming or how my clothes weren’t fitting. It was more like, “What have I eaten today that’s at least 90% empty calories? A cookie? That’s not enough, I need half a pizza!”

On June 25, the last time I posted here, I weighed just under 170 pounds. That was already a couple of pounds gained. In general, I was frustrated and struggling to eat well.

On July 20, I weighed 172.2. A couple of pounds up from June, but not too terrible. But on August 20th I weighed 182.6. I gained ten pounds in a month. The “in one month” scares me a lot more than the “ten pounds” part. It terrifies me. To have gained that much weight in a month, I would have had to eat an extra 1100 calories per day. That’s scary. And impressive in a horrible kind of way.

On the other hand, it was actually pretty easy. A piece of cake and a muffin together have about 1000 calories. So do two slices of pizza, or a proper burrito. A couple of calorie-bomb snacks or a couple extra slices turns an okay maintenance day into a ⅓ pound gain. It’s so, so easy to gain weight. Lesson for maintenance. 

 I keep thinking about the few people I know, or know of, who’ve lost weight and kept it off for at least a few years. There’s a girl I went to camp with, who lost something like 75 pounds when she was 22. She maintains her weight by only eating carbohydrates or sugar on her birthday, having a healthy living focused job about which she constantly updates on all available forms of social media, and by posting at least three weight/food related articles per week on facebook. I’m assuming that last part is required by her diet, but who knows. There’s my old college roommate, who averaged a pound or two lost per month… for all four years of school. He graduated two years ago, and still looks great. There’s my sister, who lost about 20-25 pounds a few years ago and has since been paranoid about gaining it back, watching her food intake with a diligence I thought was reserved for middle-aged Hollywood actresses trying to stay fuckable. (Please watch Amy Schumer’s amazing sketch on this.) 

And as much as I’m mocking some of them them, the truth is that I’m jealous. Jealous that they’ve gotten to a place that seems impossible for me. I’m also wondering if it’s possible to maintain weight loss without being crazy diligent or restrictive forever. Can I ever have a normal relationship with food? I know, technically, it’s not impossible. My body can go down in fat just like anybody elses. And it HAS. I have. Lately though, I’ve felt doomed to the same shitty pattern. It’s not good for my body, my heart, or my health. Maybe I’m finally starting to face what every weight loser, dietician, and lose-now-book-of-the-month laments: You need to fix your relationship with food, how you see it and how you relate to it, in order to make any real or lasting changes. I think - I hope - I can do that.

I feel like I should mention, in the end of a post whining about how eating less is hard, that my grandfather died on July 30. My father’s father, my genius, stubborn, witty, generous, insisting on buying peanuts for the squirrels, showing me the mint that grew by their house, WWII veteran Grandpa, who worked at his business until the age of 81 (ten years ago), and only stopped because he had a stroke. He and my grandmother were part of every Memorial Day, Labor Day, July Fourth, Thanksgiving, graduation, and Jewish holiday. My family is tiny - I don’t actually have any first cousins or aunts - and his death has left a shitty void where an awesome, sarcastic old man used to be.

I don’t know if this belongs here, and I draw the line at these paragraphs because, in the end, this is a weight loss blog and I prefer to mourn with the people who knew him. However, I miss him so tremendously and it feels wrong to not mention him when writing anything about the last couple of months.

I’m in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago, which is good. This time I’m turning it around at 180 pounds. Last year I had to get to 190 before I woke up. I’ll come back soon with what I’m doing to undo this damage, but for now I wanted to check in and say hi. 

This Weigh In Brought to You by Mozzarella Sticks

Happy Friday!

I am typing this from home as I took the day off to give John and myself enough time to get to D.C. today. I think I mentioned this, but this weekend we'll be attending the wedding of one of his old friends, so I get the interesting prospect of attending a wedding where I know neither the bride nor the groom. Another perk is that I get to see some college friends over the weekend, most of whom I haven't seen in years.

The goal I set out for myself last week was to track. It was a small goal, just focusing on this week. I think it would have been too much to make a goal of "start tracking today and then continue until you die or they invent some kind of autocounter."

I'm happy to say that I have been tracking this week! Even when I ate, dear God, NINE mozzarella sticks last night at our office happy hour for a departing colleague. Aside from last night, I've been eating at a good deficit this week overall.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	10/29	12/31	1/28	3/31	4/21	5/5	5/12	6/7	6/18	6/24
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181.4	177.2	174.6	168.4	170.4	172.4	171.8	174.4	169.8	169.8
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.8	67.1	65.3	60.3	61.3	63.4	60.9	65	60.5	61
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	67.3	63.9	64.4	61.5	65	64	64.2	65.1	62.5	59.4

Aw, man, was hoping for something better. Keep in mind this weigh-in was before my private fried cheese party. But it's exactly the same as last week, except more fat and less muscle. Fail. Maybe the weekend before I started tracking was worse than I thought, or maybe it's one of another million factors. Either way, I need to work really hard this weekend not to go overboard. 

Even though I can see and feel that my waist has gotten smaller in the last couple of months, I still feel like I haven't made progress in months. My failure is consistency. I can be great for a few days, but those one or two crappy ones really throw me off. I need to be better, or learn how, to incorporate reasonable choices into those difficult food-moments - happy hours, weddings, and parties. 

Slow and steady wins the race, right? 

Weekly Weigh-In & A Little Bit of News

It's been a little busy around here, so this won't be the long rambling post I know you all enjoy so much.

In short, I'm really glad I got a little stricter with my food. I definitely needed  bit more structure, and it's been going very well. I have to plan more carefully since there's a lot less room for little extras, but that's the point and a good thing. Only hiccup was Friday night, when I went way off - just a wonderful, heavy meal where I almost gave up trying because of all the temptations. I'm not happy about undoing the previous day's work, yet I got right back on the next day and have been going strong.

Besides from Friday, office food has not been had, lunches have been packed and not bought (mostly), and meals have been planned. The passive voice has also been thoroughly abused.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	177	175	173.6	172.4	172
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7

Muscle and fat match exactly this week, fat level is the same and net weight down a pound. I was hoping my effort would show on the scale since I'm confident I ate a pound's less worth of food, but I'm trusting that it will show up. After all, last week I had a loss that was definitely not the result of that week's work, but probably farther back than that. Bodies are weird. 

Onto the news: Since my manager knows and it's not a secret, I decided to share that I'm currently looking for a new job. I've learned a lot being a paralegal for the last two or three years, but it's time to figure out what I actually want to do with my career and life. My job is structured in that people usually leave after two years, for law school or another career path, so my news is not surprising to anyone at work (it's happened before with other people). I also happen to have an outstanding and supportive manager, for which I know I'm really lucky. 

So, that's that! Tell me about your week!

When You Think About Something and Then You Want It

Sometimes my stomach and uterus like to gang up on my brain. The conversation usually goes something like the below.

Dramatization:

Brain: Ok, dinner is over, I’m out of calories for the day, I had a smaller dinner after a big and caloric lunch and I’m satisfied. Lalalalala, weight loss is easy, just need balance.  

Stomach: I’m doing okay.  

Brain: Lalalala, everything is awesome. 

Stomach: *off-key* Everything is cool when you’re part of a team! 

Brain: Oh yeah, Chinese food exists.

Stomach: I demand Chinese food! Bring me dumplings! 

Uterus: *Sobs Uncontrollably.* Yes! I need you to eat! What if we get pregnant, you need weight on you! 

Brain: Hey, Uterus, it’s been a few weeks since we’ve heard from you. Soooo, um, listen, Uterus, you’re okay. Did you get a new haircut? Nice suggestion, but I already have an extra forty pounds of fat on me, so we’re pretty much set in the evolution/starvation/apocalypse arena.  

Uterus: *Uses ovary to flip off brain* No, we need more! Chinese food is so delicious, it’s all that will make me happy. 

Stomach: Holy crap, literally all I want is Chinese food now. That is the only thing in the world that matters. Hey, Brain, it’s as easy as ordering it online. Order some. Chinese food is all that matters now. All we are is Chinese food.  

Brain: Whoa, okay, I really want Chinese food. Yes, Chinese food is all that matters.

And it’s hard to resist, whether it’s because it’s that time of the month, a really stressful day, or just one of those things. 

I must take full responsibility for my eating decisions, but sometimes, it’s just feels so much harder to make good ones. I’ve given into this, sometimes after a great calorie day where I said no to the donuts at work. I’ve never once been happy about my decision, mostly because I know so well that there’s room for pizzas and chocolate chip cookies in a healthy eating plan. Just not every day, and probably not the entire pizza.

So, what do you do? What do you do when all you want is a melty chocolate chip cookie, or a whole pizza, but you don’t have a thousand calories to spare that would still let you lose some weight that week? And you want to lose weight? When you feel so conflicted, even though you feel silly for feeling so conflicted?

The only thing that’s actually helped, at least for me, is to explicitly articulate exactly what I want and how much I want it. Admit it, out loud. “I really, really want some dumplings and moo shu chicken. I have the ordering tab open, and I really want it. I feel like I actually need it.”

This happened just a few days ago. John listened to me explain to him, for several minutes, just how much I wanted to order Chinese food. 

He then said, patiently but matter-of-factly, “Listen, if I thought that ordering the food would help you, I’d tell you to go for it. But I know it won’t make you happy. We’ve ordered this in before, and each time you’ve ended up eating much more than you wanted, and have been disappointed and regretted it.”

I knew he was right, but I still wanted it. But I waited a bit, and of course, that urge to eat faded, and then went away. And I was so glad I hadn’t indulged in a thousand or more calories of food I didn’t need.

I’m trying to remember the very point of the title of my blog - that when it comes to the delicious things I want to eat, it’s goodnight, not goodbye. Not having the Chinese food that night doesn’t mean I’ll never have it again, it just means that on that particular night, Chinese food wasn’t in the plan. If I really want to have some, I’ll work it into my day in a reasonable way. I can even plan around the really good deep-fried stuff.

This over-dramatization brought to you by Teenage Girl, Inc, and Reader’s Digest.

Have you had the overwhelming urge to eat something? 

What did you do about it?

Weigh-In: Special Events Have Diminishing Returns

This week’s weigh-in:

	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	11/6	11/19	12/3	12/10	12/17
Weight	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	179.6	177.6	181	179	179.2
Lbs. Fat	82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	70.3	68.1	71.4	66.9	68.4
Lbs. Muscle	67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	65	63.3	68.7	64	67.3

So we’re at basically the same as last week, which is what I was expected. This week was hard; there was the happy hour, a potluck, another party, and I had trouble staying on track. I tried, but it’s sad how quickly you (or rather, I), can eat several hundred calories worth of fries. The upside is that I tracked everything, and had some good days and great choices that balanced out the bad.

Yesterday, they had a staff appreciation events, which simply equal two giant cakes. And I kept my no office food rule and didn’t have any! I didn’t even care that I didn’t have any → even bigger victory.

This week there are more challenges: it’s a Chanukah party on Saturday night, two meals with friends before that, and probably a lot of food at the office. Awesome events with awesome people, but definitely challenging food-wise. Especially Chanukah - one of the main traditions for this holiday is to fry food and eat it.

I’m trying to remind myself that when you have four special events in one week, they’re not special anymore and I should start treating them like regular days. This is especially true for annual non-personal events like New Year’s Eve or Halloween.

And even some are really special, like a wedding, that still shouldn’t give me a reason to overeat. This is maybe an area in which I should be selfish - I’ll only indulge with food if the event is special to me personally. It’s an easy way to be discriminatory. My birthday, my wedding day, that’s about it. Not my husband’s birthday or a friend’s wedding. Not that I can’t enjoy some fancy food at a wedding. It’s more about an attitude of, “This is not that day.” Hell, maybe it will help me focus more on the happiness of the event than what I should have for dessert.

We’re going to a friend’s wedding next Sunday, and there is sure to be a ton of food. But as thrilled as I am for the bride and groom, it’s not my wedding, right? So I will enjoy some food, but (try to) focus on the dancing and fun and romance of the evening, and not on how many cookies I can fit onto a tiny dessert plate.

Thanksgiving is Just One Day

So remember last week when I said I refused to gain weight? I even put it in bold font, so obviously it was very serious. However, I may have put on a pound or so over the last week. We’ll see on Wednesday, the official weigh-in day, as bloat and whatever else settles in, but I might be up. It’s not much, it’s not going to hold me back from making my February goal of breaking the 30 pound loss mark, but it’s a frustrating detour I didn’t want to take.

I think I let the anticipation of a food-related challenge get to me. I knew Thanksgiving would be hard, and that we'd be away for the weekend, probably with a lot of delicious and unhealthy food. So it's like I gave up before I started: On Wednesday I broke my “no office food” rule for the first time, eating a cupcake that a coworker brought in. On Thursday, Thanksgiving, I didn’t track anything. Or the next day. It was the first time in a long time that I skipped recording my food. 

It was my anticipation of the potential to overeat and the challenges ahead - “Oh my god, there’s going to be SO MUCH food everywhere, all weekend, and there’ll be no gym and it will be ten degrees." How pointless, right? I made some good choices, sticking to the white meat at dinner, and realizing that I didn’t need seconds of stuffing and gravy, and had only one of the three desserts offered. Then I made several bad choices, like eating some leftover cake later that night.

By Saturday night I was in this weird in-between mode of eating a totally reasonable and healthy lunch and then pouring myself a glass of apple cider. It was not fun - my feelings and brain wanted to eat well, but my actions were not reflecting that.

Yesterday I realized how ridiculous I was being, recorded what I could remember, and packed a gym bag for this morning. Today I went to the gym, tracked my food, and netted 1200 calories. Oddly enough, it was as simple as that.

On Saturday I felt in the throes of a teen angsty-level of self-pity, this close to writing a free-verse poem about how trying to lose weight is like a baby whale who's lost its mama, with a classy metaphor involving Jennifer Lawrence and cheese fries, and a twist ending where everyone dies. 

Now, I feel pretty good and like my difficult weekend was not the beginning of a pattern but rather just that - a difficult weekend.

So now, I feel pretty good. But this whole thing just double-triple reinforces that I still get overwhelmed by holidays, parties, and other non-routine stuff. I end up overthinking it, or revert back to that sneaky ten-year-old, or break my biggest weight-loss tip, and get mad at myself for slipping. This is still something I need to work on. The other option is to allow myself to indulge, within reason, during these times, and accept that there might be an extra pound or two. I think that can actually work if I immediately get back to healthy habits.

How I Stopped Eating Office Junk Food

About a month ago, I set out to have a low-sugar week. For breakfast, I traded in my sweetened yogurt for homemade oatmeal; I turned down evening treats and just said no to the delicious office sweets. My only slip up was that Friday night, where I had some meringues that one of our friends brought over.

I plan to continue limiting my sugar intake - cutting it out at work and limiting it at home. I don’t think sugar is evil or want to say goodbye to it, no doubt in a drawn-out farewell scene where I cry and the sugar strokes my cheek before sadly turning away and going off to war, but cutting it out for just a week really pinpointed the weaknesses in my food plans. I was doing pretty well, I was making progress, but not as quickly as I could have.

I’ve realized that (part of) the answer is in those little treats that I would end up eating during the day - a little chocolate from the candy bowl, a quarter of a bagel from the office breakfast, a couple of bites of something offered by a generous co-worker... They take a great day and turn it into an okay one, or they leave me with only 300 calories for dinner, so I end up going over my intended calorie allotment in order to eat a reasonable dinner. Not ideal.

Since that week, I have not had a single office treat. Not when there were chocolate croissants at breakfast, not when a colleague brought in cookies from the best place in town, still warm, not when the candy bowl was overflowing with mini Three Musketeers. There has never been a month-long period where I didn’t eat any office food - probably not even a single week where I didn’t partake in some way. (And I wonder why I gained twenty-five pounds after I started working.) 

That's... a tough one.

Before now it never seriously occurred to me that cutting out office food - all office food - was a possibility. I mean, what if there was a really good cake? What about balancing treats with eating healthy? Turns out that was bullshit - I'm not cutting out all sugar, just what's at work. Sometimes it's easier to always say no. I'm taking those automatic "no, thanks" answers to a new super-level, office edition, available in stores right now.

This is one of those things where I’m so proud I want to tell people on the subway about my accomplishment, and high school students are surprisingly good listeners.

And those dumb cliches about how "It gets easier" and "You don't even want it after a while" are completely true. That first week of my personal low-sugar party, I was heating up my oatmeal in the office kitchen and someone had put the leftovers from a “welcome to the company” breakfast in there - a plate or two of pastries, wafting up their intoxicating buttery scent. Almost every other time, even the weeks I lose weight and generally consider to be successful, I’ve had a bite or even a quarter of a muffin. But this time I ignored them until the microwave beeped. And it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It was just something I do, and I didn’t even feel like I missed out on anything. 

It’s easier to go off previous momentum, to think “I never have those. I can, but they’re not worth it so I don’t bother” than agonize over whether I should spend one or two hundred calories on it. It turns out it’s easier to just never have it than to decide if I should.

The lesson I’ve taken from this is that it’s not worth it 99.9% of the time. Anything offered at work, I can either buy or make. So if I wouldn’t buy it or make it, why should I eat it just because it’s free and in front of me? Once an awesome colleague stood in line for three hours to bring us cronuts, those super-trendy donut/croissant hybrids, only sold at one location and limited to two per customer. That’s the only time it’s ever been worth it for me to have any of the sweets at work, because then I got to try something unique that I’ll most likely never have again. But catered chocolate croissants? Bagels? Even, I dare say it, fresh-made apple cider donuts? Still not worth it. I love that my coworkers and my company can be so generous, and it definitely contributes to our generally pleasant work environment, but I no longer want to participate.

Nobody is going to notice or care, just like they haven’t so far. If I really, really, want something, then I need to want it enough to at least go out and buy it. “Free” and “being offered to me” are not reasons to eat it.