NBD, Just On a Classic Blogger Weight Gaincation

Hi. How does this usually work? Do I explain that I’ve been just so busy with my super duper busy life, gained between three and forty-three pounds, but now I’m back on day three of “The New You Diet”TM and totesOMG ready to do this again this time it will stick I’m so motivated?

The truth is, I’m not even sure what happened. I ate like it was going out of style through July and most of August. It wasn’t like freshman year of college, when I got to 200 pounds by eating unhealthy foods at mealtimes and just refusing to think how many calories I was consuming or how my clothes weren’t fitting. It was more like, “What have I eaten today that’s at least 90% empty calories? A cookie? That’s not enough, I need half a pizza!”

On June 25, the last time I posted here, I weighed just under 170 pounds. That was already a couple of pounds gained. In general, I was frustrated and struggling to eat well.

On July 20, I weighed 172.2. A couple of pounds up from June, but not too terrible. But on August 20th I weighed 182.6. I gained ten pounds in a month. The “in one month” scares me a lot more than the “ten pounds” part. It terrifies me. To have gained that much weight in a month, I would have had to eat an extra 1100 calories per day. That’s scary. And impressive in a horrible kind of way.

On the other hand, it was actually pretty easy. A piece of cake and a muffin together have about 1000 calories. So do two slices of pizza, or a proper burrito. A couple of calorie-bomb snacks or a couple extra slices turns an okay maintenance day into a ⅓ pound gain. It’s so, so easy to gain weight. Lesson for maintenance. 

 I keep thinking about the few people I know, or know of, who’ve lost weight and kept it off for at least a few years. There’s a girl I went to camp with, who lost something like 75 pounds when she was 22. She maintains her weight by only eating carbohydrates or sugar on her birthday, having a healthy living focused job about which she constantly updates on all available forms of social media, and by posting at least three weight/food related articles per week on facebook. I’m assuming that last part is required by her diet, but who knows. There’s my old college roommate, who averaged a pound or two lost per month… for all four years of school. He graduated two years ago, and still looks great. There’s my sister, who lost about 20-25 pounds a few years ago and has since been paranoid about gaining it back, watching her food intake with a diligence I thought was reserved for middle-aged Hollywood actresses trying to stay fuckable. (Please watch Amy Schumer’s amazing sketch on this.) 

And as much as I’m mocking some of them them, the truth is that I’m jealous. Jealous that they’ve gotten to a place that seems impossible for me. I’m also wondering if it’s possible to maintain weight loss without being crazy diligent or restrictive forever. Can I ever have a normal relationship with food? I know, technically, it’s not impossible. My body can go down in fat just like anybody elses. And it HAS. I have. Lately though, I’ve felt doomed to the same shitty pattern. It’s not good for my body, my heart, or my health. Maybe I’m finally starting to face what every weight loser, dietician, and lose-now-book-of-the-month laments: You need to fix your relationship with food, how you see it and how you relate to it, in order to make any real or lasting changes. I think - I hope - I can do that.

I feel like I should mention, in the end of a post whining about how eating less is hard, that my grandfather died on July 30. My father’s father, my genius, stubborn, witty, generous, insisting on buying peanuts for the squirrels, showing me the mint that grew by their house, WWII veteran Grandpa, who worked at his business until the age of 81 (ten years ago), and only stopped because he had a stroke. He and my grandmother were part of every Memorial Day, Labor Day, July Fourth, Thanksgiving, graduation, and Jewish holiday. My family is tiny - I don’t actually have any first cousins or aunts - and his death has left a shitty void where an awesome, sarcastic old man used to be.

I don’t know if this belongs here, and I draw the line at these paragraphs because, in the end, this is a weight loss blog and I prefer to mourn with the people who knew him. However, I miss him so tremendously and it feels wrong to not mention him when writing anything about the last couple of months.

I’m in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago, which is good. This time I’m turning it around at 180 pounds. Last year I had to get to 190 before I woke up. I’ll come back soon with what I’m doing to undo this damage, but for now I wanted to check in and say hi. 

Beyonce Pad Thai vs. Liz Lemon - Feeling Food Conflicts

       I despise saying this, but... this is not working. If you're just tuning in, last week I decided to take the choice and planning out of weight loss and temporarily restrict my meals to just a few that I know I like and are easy to prepare. No sweets, either. For a month. This plan came about after a several week long screw-it-all where I ate everything. I'd reduced my 30 pound loss to more like 25 pounds.

He's safe though, right?

       In the past, when I've been all "Let's nail this thing down for a while," it's been great. Temporarily swinging to a stricter eating plan has always been a great way to jump start my work. This time is different though. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like my insides are rebelling, and demanding ransoms of any/all of the Ben & Jerry's Core flavors. (Hilarious dramatization here.) It's pretty bad actually. 

       The past week or two, all I've been feeling is conflicted. On the one side I have the confident part of me, who's probably named Beyonce Pad Thai, the one that knows I will reach my goal, that's encouraging and gentle and enthusiastic. It reminds me that I have done this, and I can do it again. This part of me is also really excited at the awesome future it knows will happen, and lets me fantasize about running into my old torturers while looking all svelte and hot. 

       On the other side, I have this self-destructive, do-what-feels-good-right-now baby, probably called Liz Lemon, who either doesn't care about the future, or has no confidence in my ability to change it. 

       And somehow, both of these sets of feelings exist completely simultaneously and strongly inside my head, so all I want to do is buy that ice cream, but all I want to do, at the same time, is NOT buy that ice cream. So what ends up happening is like today - I didn't buy the 600-calorie cookie, but I did buy a 300-calorie Frappechino. Better, but still not ideal. 

       I'm not sure what to do. For this week, I'm trying really hard to not go crazy, still do my gym workouts, and remember that I'm not always going to feel like this. I could even fit in a candy bar every day and still eat at maintenance levels. That's about a thousand times better than letting loose again and having to re-lose that weight too. I may also weigh myself, because the reasons I had for avoiding the scale don't apply when I'm not really trying. At this point, I actually should know where I really am. Then maybe I can regroup and try this plan again. Because overall I do think it's a good one, and one that I need. 

       Usually one voice is much stronger than the other, allowing me to eat or not eat the brownie, or maybe to eat the brownie but then stop at just one.  Or the actual me is able to take control, not be passive, and show them who's boss. 

       The kind of good thing about all of this though, is that I haven't given up. It's more like I'm in hibernation, and trying to do as little damage as possible while waiting for the weather to warm up. Okay, not a perfect comparison, but you get the idea.

       TL;DR - food monster winning, need to stick it out

Do you have your own Beyonce Pad Thai, or Liz Lemon? 

Another No-Sugar Challenge and Marching On

This has been a tough couple of weeks. It started with my impending birthday, and (hopefully) ended yesterday with a family friend’s wedding. The not caring, or the unable to care, the not thinking about what I was eating before I did the eating. It was just one bad day on top of another. I also spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, in a fun little bubble of self-pity and “whoa is me.” I think some of it stemmed from feeling that this weight has been coming off so excruciatingly slowly, slower than I think it should be based on calories and exercise.

This has to stop, right now. Today. Now. Because I know all too well what happens if I let this continue. And it rhymes with “blain a brother lenty tounds.”

New (Old) Challenge

So starting today, now, I’m cutting way, way, down on sugar. For now I’m just looking at the next month, so until March 23. I need to get rid of it to get back to moderation. I did it before, and it was actually easier than I had anticipated. I had a bit in my coffee, sometimes a teaspoon or two with my oatmeal or yogurt breakfasts, and a very occasional weekend treat. But I took it out of the other day to day stuff, the places where it was taking over too much - the work food, the mid-week evening treats. It didn’t matter that I was tracking the treats, they were inhibiting my weight loss. 

When I did it last time, I didn’t have the level of left out/deprivation feelings that I assumed would occur. It actually made me feel good, and in control, and strong. So I can do it again.

As for the last couple of weeks, the upside is that I kept up the tracking and working out. After tracking everything as best as possible, I am at a half-pound gain from last week (which I already mentioned in my previous post), and so far am at close to even/slight gain for this week. If I can shape up over the next couple of days, I can pull off about a 1200-calorie deficit for this week. Not too bad, considering.

I remind myself this is the bump - what I do right now, when things got a bit more difficult, is the difference between eventually succeeding or perpetually coming close and then failing. Weight loss isn’t about “if” you screw up, but what you do after it happens. Right now this is a little bump, and if I can refocus and move on from the past couple of weeks, that’s all it will be. Right?

When You Think About Something and Then You Want It

Sometimes my stomach and uterus like to gang up on my brain. The conversation usually goes something like the below.

Dramatization:

Brain: Ok, dinner is over, I’m out of calories for the day, I had a smaller dinner after a big and caloric lunch and I’m satisfied. Lalalalala, weight loss is easy, just need balance.  

Stomach: I’m doing okay.  

Brain: Lalalala, everything is awesome. 

Stomach: *off-key* Everything is cool when you’re part of a team! 

Brain: Oh yeah, Chinese food exists.

Stomach: I demand Chinese food! Bring me dumplings! 

Uterus: *Sobs Uncontrollably.* Yes! I need you to eat! What if we get pregnant, you need weight on you! 

Brain: Hey, Uterus, it’s been a few weeks since we’ve heard from you. Soooo, um, listen, Uterus, you’re okay. Did you get a new haircut? Nice suggestion, but I already have an extra forty pounds of fat on me, so we’re pretty much set in the evolution/starvation/apocalypse arena.  

Uterus: *Uses ovary to flip off brain* No, we need more! Chinese food is so delicious, it’s all that will make me happy. 

Stomach: Holy crap, literally all I want is Chinese food now. That is the only thing in the world that matters. Hey, Brain, it’s as easy as ordering it online. Order some. Chinese food is all that matters now. All we are is Chinese food.  

Brain: Whoa, okay, I really want Chinese food. Yes, Chinese food is all that matters.

And it’s hard to resist, whether it’s because it’s that time of the month, a really stressful day, or just one of those things. 

I must take full responsibility for my eating decisions, but sometimes, it’s just feels so much harder to make good ones. I’ve given into this, sometimes after a great calorie day where I said no to the donuts at work. I’ve never once been happy about my decision, mostly because I know so well that there’s room for pizzas and chocolate chip cookies in a healthy eating plan. Just not every day, and probably not the entire pizza.

So, what do you do? What do you do when all you want is a melty chocolate chip cookie, or a whole pizza, but you don’t have a thousand calories to spare that would still let you lose some weight that week? And you want to lose weight? When you feel so conflicted, even though you feel silly for feeling so conflicted?

The only thing that’s actually helped, at least for me, is to explicitly articulate exactly what I want and how much I want it. Admit it, out loud. “I really, really want some dumplings and moo shu chicken. I have the ordering tab open, and I really want it. I feel like I actually need it.”

This happened just a few days ago. John listened to me explain to him, for several minutes, just how much I wanted to order Chinese food. 

He then said, patiently but matter-of-factly, “Listen, if I thought that ordering the food would help you, I’d tell you to go for it. But I know it won’t make you happy. We’ve ordered this in before, and each time you’ve ended up eating much more than you wanted, and have been disappointed and regretted it.”

I knew he was right, but I still wanted it. But I waited a bit, and of course, that urge to eat faded, and then went away. And I was so glad I hadn’t indulged in a thousand or more calories of food I didn’t need.

I’m trying to remember the very point of the title of my blog - that when it comes to the delicious things I want to eat, it’s goodnight, not goodbye. Not having the Chinese food that night doesn’t mean I’ll never have it again, it just means that on that particular night, Chinese food wasn’t in the plan. If I really want to have some, I’ll work it into my day in a reasonable way. I can even plan around the really good deep-fried stuff.

This over-dramatization brought to you by Teenage Girl, Inc, and Reader’s Digest.

Have you had the overwhelming urge to eat something? 

What did you do about it?

Weekly Weigh-In - Drunk Scale

Here are the latest numbers, straight from my unforgiving and possibly drunk bathroom scale:

	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	11/6	11/12	11/19	12/3	12/10
Weight	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	179.6	179.6	177.6	181	179
Lbs. Fat	82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	70.3	68.8	68.1	71.4	66.9
Lbs. Muscle	67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	65	67.7	63.3	68.7	64

The scale has been fluctuating wildly last few weeks, but at least I'm back on the right track. Plus, the fat pounds are the lowest I've had - a good sign. One of my short-term goals, besides getting into the 160s by 2/16, is to have more muscle than fat. I'm getting close, and I think it will cause a little mental shift to have a more proper ratio.

There are too many events happening this week - our company's holiday party tonight, potluck meals with friends, our department potluck on Monday, and another little work party on Tuesday. Of course it's nice to be celebrating, but it's a lot of food-events for one week.

I'm going to try to do my best tonight, but not beat myself up if I don't do well. I went to the gym, had a hearty but lighter lunch, and will be having a "mini" dinner before head out there, so I don't have the mentality of "this is my dinner" when looking at the delicious but likely deep-fried food at the bar, because that often leads to overeating.

For the work potluck I'm going to make a vegetable based dish so there's something healthier I can focus on, and probably fudge because fudge is awesome. Yesterday I slipped on my "no food at work" rule and had a chocolate-covered Oreo that someone got as a holiday gift from a vendor. How is something so simple, so delicious?

Weigh-In and Rom-Com Style Pep Talks

Wednesday’s weigh-in:

	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	11/6	11/12	11/19	12/3
Weight	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	179.6	179.6	177.6	181
Pounds Fat	82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	70.3	68.8	68.1	71.4
Pounds Muscle	67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	65	67.7	63.3	68.7

Well. That fucking sucks, to put it mildly. But I said I'd share all the good and the bad, so there it is. 

It’s definitely not where I thought I should be, based on calorie counts. However, based on the fact that I definitely did not lose and then gain four pounds of muscle in just a few weeks, I’m going to take this with an asterisk. Unfortunately, I’m probably up. Maybe a pound, probably not four. All I can do is double down my efforts this week. And yes, I do take the good weigh-ins without any asterisks.

So far this week has continued to be pretty good. I’m still in an odd “I want to eat everything” mood but this time I’m actually controlling it and still tracking everything. Acknowledging and validating my own feelings goes a long way towards not giving in to random food cravings.

Yesterday I was vaguely thinking about how much I wanted to get one of the amazing chocolate chip cookies from the bakery next to my office, and ended up giving myself a rom-com worthy mental pep talk. I didn’t really want a cookie, I was mostly tired and a bit stressed and a cookie would be relaxing and make me forget that for a minute. It was okay and normal to feel like I wanted the cookie, but I focused on the degree to which it wasn’t worth it - those 350 calories could make the difference between keeping within my weekly flexible calories or going above them - and the fact that I would still be tired and stressed after I ate it.

I did have too much bread on Friday and as of now, Saturday night, I’ve used up the 2,000 “flexible” calories that, with a thousand-calorie daily allotment, produce a 1300-day average. If I stay on target for the next few days until the weekly calories reset on Wednesday, I can count on a pound loss for the week. That’s totally doable, especially if I go to the gym.

The upcoming weeks will be tougher, with a couple of holiday parties that will be very food-centric. I still have no idea how I should approach these events. Overall I know the most important thing when getting off track is to immediately get back on track the next meal - as in, not to write off the day if I eat too big a lunch and inhale a pizza for dinner.

Also, two random things: 

I want to actually post my weigh-ins on the day that I weigh in, which is Wednesday. So from now on I'll do that, even if it's just a quick check in. Consistency is good.

I've joined a challenge to try and exercise 20 times during December. So far I'm at three, and will go to my Zumba class in the morning. T

I can still make it to my goal of getting into the 160’s by my birthday (right around Valentine’s Day, so I’ll just use that as the date). I can. I can. I can.