The Most Perfect Diet That Ever Was

Whoa, that’s some pretty bleak stuff down below. Thankfully, I’ve been feeling better. Not “I’m so gonna nail this thing” awesome, but not hopeless like I was. Last night there was a happy hour to send off a departing colleague in style. After a bit of internal debate, I decided not to go. I’m not that close to this person so don’t think she’d care (or possibly notice) if I didn’t show, and I was feeling like the absolute last thing I needed was to be surrounded by tons of drinking and free, fried deliciousness. I definitely don’t want to avoid living and being social for fear of overeating, but last night it just didn’t seem worth it.

My “plan” right now is to keep with what I’ve been doing a little extra, another two weeks or so - the almost Whole30. For after that, I’m still not sure. I have really loved not counting calories, but now I’m wondering if not tracking is a sort of trigger for me. I have an idea of a semi-tracking, to allow myself unlimited veggies, lean meats, legumes, oil, and eggs, and then have limited dairy and starch that I can use how I want throughout the day. Limit sweets, and maybe up the workouts.

I do know that whatever plan I use or try - Weight Watchers, or low carb, or calorie counting - would work. Any reasonable eating plan works if you follow it, I know that. It’s not a matter of finding the “perfect” diet, but of just sticking to SOMETHING. So I need to find that something that will maybe make this a little more doable. Trying to find a plan that is the right combination of flexibility and guidelines that will maybe help me to repair my relationship with food a little.

I’m also trying really hard to get out of the “just let me lose ten pounds quickly even if not sustainably then I’ll do something more regular.” I really hate these ten pounds. They made such a difference in how I looked and felt when I lost them, even more than the first twenty did, so of course gaining them back made a big difference. But I can do this, I can take them off.

Perpetual Dieters

Who are these people, the Monica Gellers of real life, who have some kind of rock bottom, aha moment, or whatever we’re calling it these days, and then just go on a diet and live happily ever after? They realize that they weigh more than a baby whale, or more than an adult whale, or something, and then just - do it, somehow?

I don’t think these people exist. It seems like weight loss is more like 10,000 of those moments. If all it took were one of those moments, then nobody would ever gain any weight back. But based on the real numbers, it seems like, instead, there are millions and millions of people who spend their lives in a perpetual state of trying to lose weight without ever getting closer than 30 pounds to their goals. The thought of that scares me more, frankly, than just accepting my extra weight. To spend my life trying for something that’s totally doable, and actually pretty simple, and constantly failing.

The first and only GIF I've ever made.

In case it wasn’t completely obvious, I’m… not great. Not going off the rails like a month ago, but really just having zero confidence in myself. Confidence that I’ll lose this weight, that I can have a normal and healthy relationship with food, and the mindset that I deserve any of these things. I mean, I can’t even follow a simple eating plan for a month. One that I made up, no less.

We were at my parent’s for the weekend, and there’s just so much food, so many activities centered around food. The entire Jewish New Year holiday consists of prayers, eating, and napping. Since then, I’ve been kind of plodding along, neither here nor there. I ordered some “my eating plan”-friendly groceries that will arrive tomorrow night. It sucks. I wish I could just get out of my own head, or go to some little room where I receive nutrients via pills and lose twenty pounds in a month.

I am trying to be more positive, maybe whine less. Yup, the above WAS me whining less. Scary, I know.

I can try focusing on what I didn’t eat - the things that I would have, without a doubt, eaten if I wasn’t trying to be better. The whole “yes, this isn’t great, but it could/would have been so much worse.”

I’m going to start trying to jot down a couple of these every week. I want to remind myself - or anyone reading this - that even when I’m annoyed with my eating slip-ups, I should give myself credit for what I did accomplish. Because usually there is something. Sometimes it seems like a pretty small accomplishment, something that makes you think “Well this isn’t really something to be proud of, this is something that people do all the time without thinking about it.” But what’s hard is different for everybody, therefore there’s nothing wrong with giving credit when you do something that’s hard for you. When I was depressed, I felt like a boss when I woke up before noon on a Sunday. And now, when I sometimes feel like a failure, but then I walk past the candy bowl at work and don’t have any, I think “Wow, I’m fucking amazing. Seriously Leah, this is probably the greatest accomplishment in the history of America.”

John and I have been watching Parks & Rec. Yes, the show is over and we’re super late to the party. If you haven’t seen it (no spoilers here), one of the many great characters is Chris Traeger, played by the stunningly beautiful man-god Rob Lowe. He’s a super-de-dooper optimistic person, and manages to be the only person on Earth who misuses the word “literally” and isn’t irritating about it. When someone greets him, he’ll say, “Ah, Ann Perkins and Leslie Knope. You are, literally, my two favorite people in Pawnee.” Or, “That is literally the best idea I’ve ever heard.” 

Why isn’t it annoying? I think it’s because he really means it. Chris is so positive, optimistic, and full of life and joy that every new idea really is the best idea to him, every person, at that moment, is truly his favorite person, and when he says that his heart “literally” broke, he probably thinks that it did.

I know it’s just a TV character.. but still, what an amazing attitude to have. I don’t see why I can’t have the same approach to eating well. So when I bypass the cake at a farewell, and I tell myself, “Look at me, not having cake, how amazing am I?” that’s perfectly fine. I hope that turning down treats won’t always be a cause for my celebrating, and that it will come more naturally. But for now, I will give myself all the positive reinforcement I can get.

Beyonce Pad Thai vs. Liz Lemon - Feeling Food Conflicts

       I despise saying this, but... this is not working. If you're just tuning in, last week I decided to take the choice and planning out of weight loss and temporarily restrict my meals to just a few that I know I like and are easy to prepare. No sweets, either. For a month. This plan came about after a several week long screw-it-all where I ate everything. I'd reduced my 30 pound loss to more like 25 pounds.

He's safe though, right?

       In the past, when I've been all "Let's nail this thing down for a while," it's been great. Temporarily swinging to a stricter eating plan has always been a great way to jump start my work. This time is different though. It doesn't help that I've been feeling like my insides are rebelling, and demanding ransoms of any/all of the Ben & Jerry's Core flavors. (Hilarious dramatization here.) It's pretty bad actually. 

       The past week or two, all I've been feeling is conflicted. On the one side I have the confident part of me, who's probably named Beyonce Pad Thai, the one that knows I will reach my goal, that's encouraging and gentle and enthusiastic. It reminds me that I have done this, and I can do it again. This part of me is also really excited at the awesome future it knows will happen, and lets me fantasize about running into my old torturers while looking all svelte and hot. 

       On the other side, I have this self-destructive, do-what-feels-good-right-now baby, probably called Liz Lemon, who either doesn't care about the future, or has no confidence in my ability to change it. 

       And somehow, both of these sets of feelings exist completely simultaneously and strongly inside my head, so all I want to do is buy that ice cream, but all I want to do, at the same time, is NOT buy that ice cream. So what ends up happening is like today - I didn't buy the 600-calorie cookie, but I did buy a 300-calorie Frappechino. Better, but still not ideal. 

       I'm not sure what to do. For this week, I'm trying really hard to not go crazy, still do my gym workouts, and remember that I'm not always going to feel like this. I could even fit in a candy bar every day and still eat at maintenance levels. That's about a thousand times better than letting loose again and having to re-lose that weight too. I may also weigh myself, because the reasons I had for avoiding the scale don't apply when I'm not really trying. At this point, I actually should know where I really am. Then maybe I can regroup and try this plan again. Because overall I do think it's a good one, and one that I need. 

       Usually one voice is much stronger than the other, allowing me to eat or not eat the brownie, or maybe to eat the brownie but then stop at just one.  Or the actual me is able to take control, not be passive, and show them who's boss. 

       The kind of good thing about all of this though, is that I haven't given up. It's more like I'm in hibernation, and trying to do as little damage as possible while waiting for the weather to warm up. Okay, not a perfect comparison, but you get the idea.

       TL;DR - food monster winning, need to stick it out

Do you have your own Beyonce Pad Thai, or Liz Lemon?