Weigh-Ins and There's Always a Story

I owe you an update.

Last week, when I weighed in just before getting on a plane to Detroit to visit my mother-in-law, and two good friends who just had a baby, I was even from the week before.

Confession: In Detroit, I didn't even track. I wasn't stuffing my face like I have in the past, but I was not in a great tracking mindset. It was such a wasted opportunity, since I was able to be in charge of all the cooking - which I love - so I could have made a really WW friendly vacation. Instead I made mac and cheese. Ah well.

This past week I was up by half a pound, not bad considering what I'd anticipated.

This week, so far, is going much better. I'm back in the tracking mindset and paying attention to my points.

I don't know why I've been having such a tough time. However, the difference between this and other times is that I'm still trying, still getting back on track. And there has been progress! I'm still down 7 pounds from when I started, and that's something. I just need to keep going and keep doing the best that I can.

For any weight loss thing, there's always a success-in-spite-of-it story. "Oh, you gained your first three weeks? I gained my first four weeks, but then I lost 50 pounds and got fit." "This is your 4th time joining Weight Watchers? No worries, I joined 5 times. That fifth time has been continuing for a years now, and I'm well into my maintenance mode."

That applies to life too. "Oh yeah, that guy switched careers at 45 and he's blissfully happy."

Why? Because it's not about whatever the "thing" was, it's just because the person didn't give up after it. I imagine 100% of successful people have that. I can be one of them. "Oh you see-sawed for your whole teens and twenties? Me too, but then I finally took it all the way home."

Weigh-In and A Great Pep Talk

Last week I was down another .8, for a total of 7.4 pounds since November 17. That's an average of 1.4 pounds a week! Awesome, though I really can't expect to keep up that pace.

This week was hard. I don't know what I'm expecting at weigh-in tomorrow, but I would be surprised if I wasn't up.

I don't even know how to describe this, but this week was hard and I did not do well. Tuesday and Wednesday, and even Thursday were pretty good. I stayed out of my weekly points (saving them for the weekend), went to my double-trouble Power Dance then strength training class with my favorite instructor. I was feeling pretty good.

Then we went to my parents, and it was like I instantly regressed to that sad, fat little ten-year-old who thought "people be gone from kitchen" was a sign to "eat all things not glued/nailed down." That (the regressing thing) probably didn't help, but it was also that I'm still really not good at having food around, especially sweets, and not eat them, like sweets.

My parents are awesomely kick-ass, and this was a great weekend where the whole family was together, my two siblings included. That part was pretty great. But I absolutely sucked at the eating. My mom made cookies, and she asked me to make a dessert, and then some neighbors came by with homemade Christmas treats, not to mention the mealtimes themselves. I just really sucked.

The good news is I just tracked everything I could remember from the last few days. As best I can tell, I'm about 100 points in the negative. Triple-digits. Ugh. It's not as hard as you'd think, because of how many points sugar is - for example, a standard slice of cake with frosting is 25 points. For reference, I get 30 points in an entire DAY. So that 100 points could translate into - WAIT, nope. Just did some Weight Watchers calculator games. That 100 points could easily be an extra 2,000 calories eaten this week.

Still my favorite gif.

So I'm definitely not happy with myself, but I'm trying so hard to just get right back on today, and keep going. That started with tracking everything I could remember. John gave me a great pep talk on the way home from my parents. I definitely hit the lottery with that guy. The gist was just that this, right now, is where a lot of people who end up failing, fail. If I can get back up from this, in six months this weekend can just be a blip on my weight loss chart. Maybe a gain, maybe not, but it won't matter. This can be the beginning of the end, or just a bump on the way to a healthy weight. I get to decide that. 



For those who celebrated, how was your Christmas? Merry Christmas!

For those who didn't, did you see Star Wars? We did and I thought it was great. (No spoilers)

Showing My Face & Philadelphia Highlights (Prisons! Signings!)

John and I just got back from our trip to Philadelphia. It was really fun - we basically just let Tripadvisor tell us what we should do and see, and went from there. After some research, we decided to stay in an Airbnb apartment instead of a hotel near the city center, and it was fantastic - saved at least $300, and that’s for more space and a kitchen! Will never stay in a hotel again if I can swing it.

Highlights included:

The Liberty Bell

• They also had a really thought-provoking exhibit on slavery, and how its continued existence was in awful and highly hypocritical parallel with the slave-owning founding fathers (like George Washington)

Independence Hall

• Birthplace of the US, where the Declaration of Independence was argued, drafted, and signed. (Tours are free!)
• Also the site of National Treasure, a movie I unironically love

Eastern State Penitentiary

• A prison that had running water before the White House, this place was fascinating and the exhibits were so well done. You get a set of headphones when you start, and it’s all a self-guided tour and you can just wander around and see the cells, tunnel from the 1945 escape attempt, death row, baseball diamond
• We learned about how the prison changed over the hundreds of years in which it operated and how it was abandoned/condemned in the 1970s, and finally turned into a museum after two decades of arguments and politics

Jewish Museum

• Lots of interesting information, but I was hoping for more artifacts and first person accounts (i.e. things you can’t get online or from a textbook)

Unlimited Bowling at Lucky Strike

• Not special to Philly, but I wanted to memorialize that we played five games in one evening. Don’t ask for our scores, though.

We also walked about 25 miles over the time there - that was essentially our mode of transportation. By the end my feet hurt a lot (John was fine, weirdo) but it was overall a great trip, and all just a couple of hours away.

So, the burning questions - food and weight. As of Wednesday, I weigh 183.2, which is actually about half a pound down from a month ago. That’s good. On the trip I got a picture of what will make a good "before" or "during" of being at 183 pounds.

Thus, presenting for the first time on this blog, my face. Huge moment, I know. I figured that anyone reading this who knows me would figure it out anyway pretty quickly, so why not? And yes, I wasn't exaggerating about how pale I am.

With John’s encouragement, I started tracking again on MyFitnessPal during the trip and have now kept it up for the whole week! Baby steps, I know. I’ve mostly abandoned the whole “small meals” thing in favor of this. I didn’t seem to be working for me, or maybe I didn’t give it a fair chance, I’m not sure. I do know that it felt odder than I thought it would to eat basically a snack with my colleagues eating their lunches, and then have 2-3 snacks during the day.

My goal for the trip was just to stay at maintenance level - which, in part thanks to all our walking, I am happy to say I did.

I’m still really, really struggling with believing in myself. That I can still do this where I’ve failed so many times, regained so much weight, and use food as a comfort, a reward, and a punishment. That all the little bits will add up to weight loss. I’m trying. I know that probably everyone who’s had weight to lose has felt this way, even the people who ultimately succeed. I so badly want to be one of them. For now, I’m working really hard to at least track my food and stay at maintenance level, but I really want to up my game and get back into the 170s.

Weigh In and Continuing with The Plan

The good: I did not gain any weight over the last six weeks. I lost a little gained a little and it evened out.

The bad is of course that in July and August I gained between 10 and 15 pounds, putting me at 180-183.

I also barely worked out. Literally every Jewish holiday fell on a Tuesday night this fall, Tuesday is my night with my gym buddy, where we see the great instructor in the great class where we strength training and power dance for two straight hours. So for basically five out of six weeks I could not go to class and I stupidly or whatever did not make the effort to go a different night. My gym buddy and I both dropped the ball. I'm of course not happy she's struggling, but I'm happy to know someone who understands.

But now all the holidays are over. I know for most people this is kind of the start of the holiday season, but for me it is actually, finally, the end. Thanksgiving might be hard, Hanukkah might be hard, there might be a few holiday parties. But they will either be just one day or one meal in the evening in the middle of a mostly normal workweek. 

This is quite contrary to the recent Jewish holidays. For those who don't know that means, it means that I don't go to work, I don't use electricity at all, no car, no subway. No writing or drawing. What do we do? Eat, pray, board games, read, walk, nap. Emphasis on eat. I liked spending so much time

with family as friends, but I am honesty thrilled to be getting back to a normal schedule.

The last time I tried my eat small meals plan, I did it for just four or five days. Then it was part 2 of 7: Jewish holiday edition, and I gave up. Now I need to try again. Yay for maintaining, but at 181.8 pounds as of this morning, that's not even close to good enough.

I'm also thinking of getting rid of the scale. Maybe just weigh in once a month, or maybe not at all. Why? I think it's hurt more than helped over the last few years. Because the truth is that if I'm tracking, whether calories or weight watchers points, I know how I'm doing, good or bad.

When I was consistently tracking for that year or so, John had helped me make numerous graphs where we overlayed my calorie intake over my weight.

The result? They matched up pretty perfectly. So the point is that the scale won't be telling me anything I don't know. Either it will validate my efforts, efforts of which I'm all too aware. Or, it will show me a gain that I can blame on bloat or "bodies are weird sometimes" syndrome. In fact, perhaps the real times I need the scale are when I'm not tracking, not doing well, so that I don't get into denial about gaining like I'm want to do.

Bottom line is, maybe the scale isn't a useful tool right now. It makes me mad more often than not. As of yesterday morning I'm at 181.8 and 38.7 body fat. I'll decide next month if I feel like looking at the scale.

To anyone reading this: I hope you have not given up on me because I have not given up on me.

Insert cliche about weight loss being a journey and success being a crazy squiggly line. End with super clever, topical joke.

Results & The Things Everyone Can Agree About

1. Water is good
2. Vegetables are good
3. Refined sugar is not great
4. Oxygen is important

Those seem to be the only four things that the nutrition community can agree upon. And that’s with the third one being debatable and that fourth one being a joke. So really, there’s only two things we can agree on. Are eggs good? Does butter raise the good kind of cholesterol? Do we need carbs for energy? What minion of Satan marketing executive made up the terms ‘superfood’ and ‘foodie’? Whoever you are, you superfood-curating foodie, I hate you.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I found myself back at the lowest and worst junction of weight loss. This is where I’ve completely faced the consequences and results of my recent bout of not caring and subsequent weight gain, and want to do something about it, but haven’t yet started.

This is the worst part because before this, I was eating terribly and had gained weight, but didn’t care and/or was in denial, so it was okay in a way. Past this point, I might still feel like crap about the gain, but will have lost a couple of pounds and feel like I’ve really started to do something. But the in-between of these two things? When you’re on the bottom between the twin peaks of weight gain and accomplishment? They suck.

I tried to figure out where to start. I’ve been at this point, even written about it here. Last time, I decided that I needed a slap in the face, to cut out the food groups that I couldn’t control myself around, so that hopefully, eventually, I could come to a middle ground of sustainable weight loss and maintenance. I’ve written about going to the other extreme to find moderation. God, that’s depressing to think how I’ve been on this exact pathway.

In the end, I decided to try a modified kind of Whole30. Why Whole30, a “cleansing health food plan” that I genuinely think is mostly fear-mongering pseudo-science? I’m… not quite sure. It was something that cut out carbs and sweets, the areas where I have the most trouble. It’s really similar to Atkins, except Atkins is a diet and Whole30 is some kind of “reset” that most people end up losing weight on.

On Whole30, you can eat: meat, fish, eggs, vegetables (including potatoes), nuts, oils, and fruits

That means you’re supposed to cut out: Dairy, legumes (so peanuts too), grains, soy, sugar in any form except fruit, and alcohol. I might be missing some stuff for the 30-day plan, but that’s the gist of it.

I’m not following it perfectly - I’m still having a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee, and haven’t cut out soy sauce. But other than that, it's been good. I'm eating a lot of meat and vegetables, mostly. The hardest part has been breakfast. I don't think I'll ever be able to face meat for breakfast, so it's either eggs in some form, or a banana with almond butter. I miss my yogurt.

How they see my sugar consumption, I assume.

This weekend wasn't great though. I had some sweets at a wedding and then some more crap at a BBQ we went to yesterday. I was angry at myself, trying to remember that guilt is useless, and focus on 1) how I’ve been doing pretty great otherwise and 2) It would have been 10x worse. So far it's mostly working.

I have just under two weeks left, and I’ve really been digging this whole not-tracking thing. I’ve know I’ve spouted tracking as my personal good path to weight loss, but at this point I like cutting out some foods more than tracking all of them.

Weight update:

	Start	2 Weeks	Change
Weight	182.6	177.6	5
Lbs. Fat	70.9	68	2.9
Lbs. Muscle	Unsure	63.8

A cool five pounds in two weeks! I’m really pleased with that, which is a weird feeling since it’s overlaid with enormous annoyance that I’m back in the 170s. But moving on, and down.

NBD, Just On a Classic Blogger Weight Gaincation

Hi. How does this usually work? Do I explain that I’ve been just so busy with my super duper busy life, gained between three and forty-three pounds, but now I’m back on day three of “The New You Diet”TM and totesOMG ready to do this again this time it will stick I’m so motivated?

The truth is, I’m not even sure what happened. I ate like it was going out of style through July and most of August. It wasn’t like freshman year of college, when I got to 200 pounds by eating unhealthy foods at mealtimes and just refusing to think how many calories I was consuming or how my clothes weren’t fitting. It was more like, “What have I eaten today that’s at least 90% empty calories? A cookie? That’s not enough, I need half a pizza!”

On June 25, the last time I posted here, I weighed just under 170 pounds. That was already a couple of pounds gained. In general, I was frustrated and struggling to eat well.

On July 20, I weighed 172.2. A couple of pounds up from June, but not too terrible. But on August 20th I weighed 182.6. I gained ten pounds in a month. The “in one month” scares me a lot more than the “ten pounds” part. It terrifies me. To have gained that much weight in a month, I would have had to eat an extra 1100 calories per day. That’s scary. And impressive in a horrible kind of way.

On the other hand, it was actually pretty easy. A piece of cake and a muffin together have about 1000 calories. So do two slices of pizza, or a proper burrito. A couple of calorie-bomb snacks or a couple extra slices turns an okay maintenance day into a ⅓ pound gain. It’s so, so easy to gain weight. Lesson for maintenance. 

 I keep thinking about the few people I know, or know of, who’ve lost weight and kept it off for at least a few years. There’s a girl I went to camp with, who lost something like 75 pounds when she was 22. She maintains her weight by only eating carbohydrates or sugar on her birthday, having a healthy living focused job about which she constantly updates on all available forms of social media, and by posting at least three weight/food related articles per week on facebook. I’m assuming that last part is required by her diet, but who knows. There’s my old college roommate, who averaged a pound or two lost per month… for all four years of school. He graduated two years ago, and still looks great. There’s my sister, who lost about 20-25 pounds a few years ago and has since been paranoid about gaining it back, watching her food intake with a diligence I thought was reserved for middle-aged Hollywood actresses trying to stay fuckable. (Please watch Amy Schumer’s amazing sketch on this.) 

And as much as I’m mocking some of them them, the truth is that I’m jealous. Jealous that they’ve gotten to a place that seems impossible for me. I’m also wondering if it’s possible to maintain weight loss without being crazy diligent or restrictive forever. Can I ever have a normal relationship with food? I know, technically, it’s not impossible. My body can go down in fat just like anybody elses. And it HAS. I have. Lately though, I’ve felt doomed to the same shitty pattern. It’s not good for my body, my heart, or my health. Maybe I’m finally starting to face what every weight loser, dietician, and lose-now-book-of-the-month laments: You need to fix your relationship with food, how you see it and how you relate to it, in order to make any real or lasting changes. I think - I hope - I can do that.

I feel like I should mention, in the end of a post whining about how eating less is hard, that my grandfather died on July 30. My father’s father, my genius, stubborn, witty, generous, insisting on buying peanuts for the squirrels, showing me the mint that grew by their house, WWII veteran Grandpa, who worked at his business until the age of 81 (ten years ago), and only stopped because he had a stroke. He and my grandmother were part of every Memorial Day, Labor Day, July Fourth, Thanksgiving, graduation, and Jewish holiday. My family is tiny - I don’t actually have any first cousins or aunts - and his death has left a shitty void where an awesome, sarcastic old man used to be.

I don’t know if this belongs here, and I draw the line at these paragraphs because, in the end, this is a weight loss blog and I prefer to mourn with the people who knew him. However, I miss him so tremendously and it feels wrong to not mention him when writing anything about the last couple of months.

I’m in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago, which is good. This time I’m turning it around at 180 pounds. Last year I had to get to 190 before I woke up. I’ll come back soon with what I’m doing to undo this damage, but for now I wanted to check in and say hi. 

Self-Sabotage and "Deserving" to Lose Weight

After I posted last week, I was feeling great. The next four or five days I was wonderfully on track - I ate well, went to the gym, and overall felt in control. No office cake for this lady!

Then I screwed up yet again over the weekend, and I’ve been trying to get back ever since. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am of feeling this way?

Maybe it’s the Psych major talking, but I spend a lot of time analyzing my emotions. In this case, my overeating was systematic and deliberate. It was almost that I was actually making sure I wasn’t eating well. Why the self-sabotage?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve to lose this weight - to be healthy, to look better and feel better. That would be a self-esteem issue. Or maybe there’s a part of me that seriously doubts my ability to actually lose the weight and, more importantly, keep it off. So that part of me, in its infinite wisdom, is willing me to give up before I start, so I don’t waste all this time and energy. That one also mostly comes down to self-esteem.

Whether it’s one of those reasons, or some other deep-seeded psychological issues that will only be revealed under deep hypnosis, the end result is that I’m still really struggling. My goal at this point is to just not go crazy. Last month when I was also struggling, my goal was just to not go backwards, and I was able to do that. I need to keep that up now, and to remember that I do deserve this. Everyone deserves to be healthy, including me. I just have to earn it.

This weekend is yet another Jewish holiday, ones that ostentatiously revolves around cheesecake and blintzes (don’t ask). I will probably be surrounded by food from Friday night through Monday night, but not be able to track or go to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Based on how much I’m dreading the food part of this holiday, I think I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself. The faith that I can be in this for the long term, that I can beat the appallingly bad statistics on successful weight loss and maintenance, is quite fucking important. It what makes you keep going after you make a mistake.

I have no plan for the holiday, honestly. I have told the husband that I’m not in a good state of mind, food-wise, and he should be aware of that so he can gently ask me if I actually want that [calorie bomb]. John’s also very useful in meals - if I take a piece of bread without thinking, and then realize or decide that I don’t want it, I can pass it to him. He’s a slim guy with a big appetite. This is helpful because I can change my mind about food without trying to awkwardly put it back, or feel like I’m wasting it.

However, after this holiday, when the time is mine again and the weather continues to be lovely, I am going to take a hard, honest look at myself. I need to make progress again, for my sanity as well as my health. I’m considering doing a Whole30 or some other short term limiting diet. Going to one extreme for a little while can help to find a balance. I am usually willing to try any reasonable meal plan, as long as I don’t have to buy any special products. But the bottom line is that I need to refocus, and also actually work on my relationship with food. 

Healthy people don’t eat cake because of weird psychological reasons that they need to analyze, but just because cake is delicious. I’d like to be one of them.

The Meaning of Failure

So if it’s not obvious, I’m feeling a bit blah. At first it was because it felt like the scale wasn’t moving the way it should. Then I think I let last month’s holiday slip me up, and I’ve been, it seems, coasting ever since. My total weight loss for April is, according to the calories, less than a pound. Maybe not so bad considering the holidays, but… no. This past weigh in had me at 172.4. Somehow when I hopped on after a few lousy days, I had this idea in my head that it would be right back at 200. Even though rationally I know that I won’t gain 30 pounds in a week, no matter how badly I eat, a few days or weeks off can still leave me feeling like I “deserve” to gain it all back.

You know how they say that on the days you really, really don’t want to go the gym, when all you want is to lie in bed without pants, watching Netflix and order some kind of greasy takeout, that that’s the time you need the gym most? Or that when you least want to talk about something, it’s when you really should be talking?

That’s me right now. I don’t really want to talk about how I’m struggling, how I’ve been struggling and often failing at eating well over the last couple of weeks. How I’ve had a couple of days where I eat great during the day, proudly bypass the cookies at work, and then end up buying a brownie while grocery shopping and eating it in the kitchen as soon as I get home. It’s almost an interesting psychological process. As I’m eating, I’m thinking, “Hmm, this is really not in line with my weight loss goals. This is like 500 calories of butter. Am I actually enjoying this? Why am I eating this? I should probably stop eating this.” It’s not a mean or yelling voice, more of a soft one that’s asking these questions in a vaguely curious tone of voice.

Rather, I just want to stop struggling somehow. But I don’t think that’s how things happen.

But maybe I do need to talk about, to express the frustration at myself when I do things (or more specifically, eat things), that are directly contrary to my long-term goals.  I’m at this weird stage where I’ve come so far, but I still have so far to go. I’m reminded of that when my fall coat from two years and twenty pounds ago doesn’t fit right, when I see a photo of myself that’s so much better than one from a few years ago, but still so far from where I want to be.

This stage is also, I know, a turning point for me. How many times in my life have I slowed, then stopped my weight loss efforts after those first 20-30 pounds? Too many. It’s terrifyingly easy to give up, to stop spending so much time and energy on this. Even though I love the idea of not having weight loss be this focus in my life, I know that will end with me digging out my old 16s.

Someone noticed I hadn’t posted in a while and emailed me about starting over and having another “day one.” I thanked them for thinking of me, but told them that I don’t - I can’t - think of these last couple of weeks as failures that require “starting over” now. This is one long effort, one long weight loss process that is, in fact, so long that it can have full weeks of failure. The last couple of sucky weeks are just part of it.

During this time, John’s been watching me mope around, and listened as I lamented the latest cookie or was as proud of not eating a cookie as a person might be at passing the bar. He told me that even if I gain during this period, it’s better than giving up and not caring. Basically, anything is better than giving up. Giving up would mean that I have failed, while trying and failing, or, hell, not trying but still caring, means that I’m still trying. Still going to the gym after the cookie is trying.

In case you missed it above, these are the latest stats:

	Start	6/8	8/19	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/25	3/31	4/7	4/14	4/21	5/5
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181.4	177.2	174.6	177	168.4	170	168.6	170.4	172.4
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.5	60.3	60.8	58.8	61.3	63.4
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	67.3	63.9	64.4	68.2	61.5	61.5	62.7	65	64

So day 300 of infinitely, let’s go.

Another No-Sugar Challenge and Marching On

This has been a tough couple of weeks. It started with my impending birthday, and (hopefully) ended yesterday with a family friend’s wedding. The not caring, or the unable to care, the not thinking about what I was eating before I did the eating. It was just one bad day on top of another. I also spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, in a fun little bubble of self-pity and “whoa is me.” I think some of it stemmed from feeling that this weight has been coming off so excruciatingly slowly, slower than I think it should be based on calories and exercise.

This has to stop, right now. Today. Now. Because I know all too well what happens if I let this continue. And it rhymes with “blain a brother lenty tounds.”

New (Old) Challenge

So starting today, now, I’m cutting way, way, down on sugar. For now I’m just looking at the next month, so until March 23. I need to get rid of it to get back to moderation. I did it before, and it was actually easier than I had anticipated. I had a bit in my coffee, sometimes a teaspoon or two with my oatmeal or yogurt breakfasts, and a very occasional weekend treat. But I took it out of the other day to day stuff, the places where it was taking over too much - the work food, the mid-week evening treats. It didn’t matter that I was tracking the treats, they were inhibiting my weight loss. 

When I did it last time, I didn’t have the level of left out/deprivation feelings that I assumed would occur. It actually made me feel good, and in control, and strong. So I can do it again.

As for the last couple of weeks, the upside is that I kept up the tracking and working out. After tracking everything as best as possible, I am at a half-pound gain from last week (which I already mentioned in my previous post), and so far am at close to even/slight gain for this week. If I can shape up over the next couple of days, I can pull off about a 1200-calorie deficit for this week. Not too bad, considering.

I remind myself this is the bump - what I do right now, when things got a bit more difficult, is the difference between eventually succeeding or perpetually coming close and then failing. Weight loss isn’t about “if” you screw up, but what you do after it happens. Right now this is a little bump, and if I can refocus and move on from the past couple of weeks, that’s all it will be. Right?