Weigh-In and A Great Pep Talk

Last week I was down another .8, for a total of 7.4 pounds since November 17. That's an average of 1.4 pounds a week! Awesome, though I really can't expect to keep up that pace.

This week was hard. I don't know what I'm expecting at weigh-in tomorrow, but I would be surprised if I wasn't up.

I don't even know how to describe this, but this week was hard and I did not do well. Tuesday and Wednesday, and even Thursday were pretty good. I stayed out of my weekly points (saving them for the weekend), went to my double-trouble Power Dance then strength training class with my favorite instructor. I was feeling pretty good.

Then we went to my parents, and it was like I instantly regressed to that sad, fat little ten-year-old who thought "people be gone from kitchen" was a sign to "eat all things not glued/nailed down." That (the regressing thing) probably didn't help, but it was also that I'm still really not good at having food around, especially sweets, and not eat them, like sweets.

My parents are awesomely kick-ass, and this was a great weekend where the whole family was together, my two siblings included. That part was pretty great. But I absolutely sucked at the eating. My mom made cookies, and she asked me to make a dessert, and then some neighbors came by with homemade Christmas treats, not to mention the mealtimes themselves. I just really sucked.

The good news is I just tracked everything I could remember from the last few days. As best I can tell, I'm about 100 points in the negative. Triple-digits. Ugh. It's not as hard as you'd think, because of how many points sugar is - for example, a standard slice of cake with frosting is 25 points. For reference, I get 30 points in an entire DAY. So that 100 points could translate into - WAIT, nope. Just did some Weight Watchers calculator games. That 100 points could easily be an extra 2,000 calories eaten this week.

Still my favorite gif.

So I'm definitely not happy with myself, but I'm trying so hard to just get right back on today, and keep going. That started with tracking everything I could remember. John gave me a great pep talk on the way home from my parents. I definitely hit the lottery with that guy. The gist was just that this, right now, is where a lot of people who end up failing, fail. If I can get back up from this, in six months this weekend can just be a blip on my weight loss chart. Maybe a gain, maybe not, but it won't matter. This can be the beginning of the end, or just a bump on the way to a healthy weight. I get to decide that. 



For those who celebrated, how was your Christmas? Merry Christmas!

For those who didn't, did you see Star Wars? We did and I thought it was great. (No spoilers)

Weigh-In: Strategies for Not Gaining Weight Over the Holidays Or When Visiting Parents

This is a weird week - I was off yesterday since we flew back from Michigan, and I’ll be off again on Friday for the end of Passover. Three day weeks are the best.

Our time in Michigan, where John and I stayed with his mother, stepfather, sister, brother, and stepfather’s kids, was lovely. We ended up doing some puzzles together, which I always forget how much I enjoy until I do them.

Food wise, I made mostly good choices and some not so great, but overall I think it averaged out to “okay.” There were definitely a few places where I took a portion that was larger than necessary, or had a bit of wine even though I didn’t really want it. On the flip side, I was mindful of snacking, never had seconds of anything, and tried to make the focus on family and not food. My mother-in-law happened to have bought mostly cake and cookie mixes and not actual sweets, and in the end nobody bothered to make them. For someone like me, who’s a lot more tempted by a cookie than some chips, that was good.

This week’s weigh-in happened this morning like normal:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24	3/31	4/7
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	177	175	173.6	172.4	172	168.4	170
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7	60.3	60.8
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7	61.5	61.5

I am, actually, quite okay with that weight. That burst of fat loss is still holding. The weight itself feels like a backswing that’s balancing out the insane four-pound loss from the previous week. Thirty pounds down from my highest. However long that took doesn’t matter, the gains and losses don’t matter. What matter is that five years ago a weighed thirty pounds more, and now, not only do I weigh less, I actually have a better relationship with food, am fitter, and happier. I really, really, hope it doesn’t take me another five years to lose the next thirty pounds, but even if it does, I think I’ll be just as proud. Losing weight is hard, so no matter how slowly it happens, it’s still an accomplishment.

I’ve also finally figured out some of the strategies that I think work for me during holidays, or just generally when I'm in unfamiliar or junk-food-filled environments: 

Don’t Snack

• This is actually something that happened naturally during the last year or so. I’ve stopped snacking. Sometimes I’ll get a bit hungry at noon or so, but then I just figure I’ll have lunch soon.
• My goal is to get each meal to take me to the next meal. Sometimes I’ll have some fruit if I really want something, or if I just happen to bring it, but overall the snacks are pretty much non-existent.
• This no-snacking custom is easier to maintain in an office setting than a “home” setting, since the second one gives much easier access. However, I’m really aiming to just cut out the snacking when I’m home. Looking back, that’s definitely one of the things that takes me over the edge from an “okay, pretty good” day to a “crap, oh well that was not great” kind of day.

No Seconds

• Again, probably another no-brainer for most people, but avoiding seconds is something I only just started to realize on my own
• Seconds are overrated - I’ve already had a portion of the things, and I’m usually full by that point. Seconds usually comes out of boredom or just because the food is right in front of me, and rarely because I’m actually still hungry

I figure if I can really focus on these two rules, I will be able to have a successful rest of the holiday. Those rules mean that the only food I eat is during meals, and during firsts and not seconds. Of course if I’m actually really hungry between meals I’ll have a snack, but it’s not something that comes up often.

We’ll be at my parents from Thursday through Sunday this week. My goal is to just be mindful and not gain, basically. It’s only a few days. I've been on a good roll lately, and want to keep it going.

In other news, I’ve been crap lately about getting to the gym in the morning. I’m still working out 4-5 times a week, but now it’s been during lunch or after work. This is just due to plain old not getting to bed on time. I know all the advantages of going in the morning, I need to start doing this.

Overall, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling confident about this. Now I just need to bottle and save this feeling for the next time I feel like crap. Positive thinking!

Weigh-In After Holidays & What All Those Jewish Holidays Are

Sunday was the end of another holiday period, this time at my parents’ house. It did not go well. There will be another holiday/the tail end of this holiday starting in two days.

To back up slightly, I guess it’s time to explain what all of these vague holidays are to which I’m constantly referring. Feel free to skip the next two paragraphs, obviously. So I’m Jewish, and we have numerous holidays in general, but three that fall close together in the fall. We recently celebrated the Jewish New Year, followed ten days later by a day of repentance called Yom Kippur, in which we believe we are judged for our deeds, good and bad throughout the year. Despite the solemnity, it’s actually considered a happy holy day, one in which we get to “start over,” really reflect on our actions the past year, and think of what to do better in the future.

Currently, we are celebrating the holiday of Sukkot (Soo-kote), an eight-day festivity that culminates with a separate but related holiday in which we celebrate when God gave the Jews the Bible after having led them out of Egypt. Sukkot is two-fold: it is a celebration of the harvest, and also when we remember our ancestors wandering the desert for forty years and only living in temporary huts. Why were we wandering? The excellent joke answer is that the Jews wandered for so long because Moses wouldn’t stop and ask for some damn directions, but the religious answer is that the Jewish people had make a huge boo-boo right after they got the Bible and were being punished. The holiday is eight days, on which additional restrictions (no electricity, no work, no driving/trains/planes, no writing) are in place during the first two and last two days. 

We just had the first two days, now we’re in the middle where it’s business as usual with a few traditions thrown in, and starting on Wednesday night, we’ll celebrate the rest of holiday and have the restrictions again.

What do we do during this time? Pray, eat, sleep, play board games, take walks, take naps, have long discussions, read, learn, unplug from life. It’s actually a great deal, except when you’re me and trying so hard to stay healthy.

So that’s that. If you skipped the above, basically it’s like having Thanksgiving in your house - lots of food, family, and friends. But for two meals a day, for three days. And you can’t go to the gym, write down/track your food intake, or buy anything.

I just ended one of those periods, and it didn’t go how I’d hoped. I had been planning to leave work early on Wednesday, but it got unexpectedly stressful, I left later than I intended, and didn’t get to break for lunch (or at all). Then my train home got delayed, so I got out late, stressed, hungry, and a little hormonal. Not a good combination or start to the holiday. So I overindulged on Wednesday, ending the day annoyed at myself but trying to look ahead to the rest of the holiday. 

But I didn’t have a plan, couldn’t track, hadn’t had the chance to exercise on Wednesday - I don’t even know what happened, but I’m pretty sure I gained. There were some times when I picked and chose alright, like having bread at a meal, but no rice or potatoes, or just splitting a cookie with J. But mostly I got overwhelmed by the sheer amount of food in front of me. My family is pretty healthy, and desserts were saved for weekends and special occasions. But this WAS the special occasion, and I went in knowing that there would be a huge amount of food available, all the time, with no thought as to how I might avoid partaking too much.

Over the Jewish New Year, which we celebrated with J’s family in Michigan, I spent so much time and energy worrying about food, and after all that I only managed to essentially maintain my weight. I didn’t want to repeat that this time, but rejecting that plan and not coming up with a new plan left me with zero plans. If I had had a plan, I might have eaten it.

There is, of course, a giant ‘but’ to all this. A lovely ‘but’ with a bright side and a silver lining. And that is, it was only a couple of days. Even if I do equally as crappy during the next (and final!) days of holy this week, it’s still only a few days. I won’t gain back twenty pounds over a week, even though I might gain one or two. Therefore, as long as I can immediately and completely forgive myself from any overindulging over these holidays, and get right back to tracking, exercising, and healthy eating, I’ll be fine.

Yesterday I went to my Zumba class, tracked my food, and today was equally successful. And I’ll do my best over the holiday (come up with a new plan?) - but no matter what, next Sunday I will get back into the groove again, accept whatever gain, maintain, or lose I get, and keep working. I will get to the 170s.

As of yesterday, I am at 182.5 - up, but not as badly as I thought it would be.

Weekly Weigh-In: Ten Pounds Down

I kind of want to make a list all of the things I didn’t eat this week - the apple cider donuts brought in by a coworker, the candy in the office bowl, the muffins, bagels, and croissants from today’s “welcome to the firm” breakfast for a new lawyer, even more meeting food, the office candy - because I’m proud. It was in part due to my low/no sugar goal, and partially because I’m feeling motivated. My new rule made it much easier to say no because it took the choice out of the matter. Somehow I forgot about habits and default settings, those automatic answers we have to offers of food and only-available-for-the-next-twenty-minutes cat scratchers.

Last week’s weigh in below.

	6/8/2014	8/4/2014	8/12/2014	8/19/2014	8/26/2014	9/3/2014	9/10/2014	9/17/2014
Weight	191.2	184	183	182.6	181.4	182.8	182	180.4
Pounds Fat	82.7	74.5	70.4	72.5	71.8	73	71.7	72.1
Pounds Muscle	67.3	68.2	66.4	66.8	67.3	67.2	67.5	64.4

I’m happy to be down, especially since that makes an official ten pound lost, and twenty from my highest weight! However, still annoyed because I “should” really be into the 170s by now. I’ve tracked every day, and I’ve added up all those calorie deficits. But the 170’s continue to act as a bitchy PR girl at at opening, refusing to let me in. At the end of August, when I said my new goal was get into the 170’s in September, I thought I would knock that out within a week and work on the next goal. But nope. By my estimates, if my BMR is 1850, I should be down 14 pounds, to 177. But after I whine, I keep going, because nobody said weight loss is supposed to be linear.

Still hitting up the gym 4-5 times a week. I've skipped Zumba the past couple of weeks since my buddy is out of town, but we've still had a regular Sunday workout. I am definitely stronger than I used to be - yesterday I did 15 repetitions at 45 pounds of the overhead press. Two months ago, I could barely push out ten repetitions at 25 pounds! The tops of my arms are definitely firmer.

Looking ahead, there will be a couple of challenging occasions. Tomorrow we’re off to Michigan to visit my in-laws. It’s the Jewish New Year, which means that we celebrate and eat a lot. J’s two siblings will also be there, which is wonderful. It also means no MyFitnessPal tracking, no weighing food, and no gym.

I’m going to focus on the next decade - the elusive, bitchy 170s nightclub - that I’ve been trying to get into for what feels like forever. This holiday can get me further to my goals, or take me further from them. My current plan is to choose one unhealthy thing at each meal - at the main part and dessert - that looks especially wonderful, enjoy it, and choose healthy options for the rest of the time. I’ll limit snacks to fruit. Since I don’t snack now, I’ll know that if I’m feeling snacky in Michigan, it’s probably something other than hunger. And I’ll remember that as amazing as food is in general, nothing I am offered, no matter how delicious, will be the last time I am able to eat that item.

When Motivation Fades

I'm glad August is over. Some happy-but-food-challenging events happened this week, like the birthday of a good friend who has been away for the summer, whose celebration involved three giant pizzas for ten people. Then there were some stressful things, like someone close to me going through some crappy stuff, and storing 20 boxes of our friend’s random crap in our tiny apartment. Apologies for the vague-blogging, I’m mostly just trying to get across that this week was hard, and I let worrying about food and calories fall to the bottom of the list. I was trying to track, went to the gym a few times, but couldn’t get myself to feel motivated.

I did end up tracking everything as best I could, and it seems I came out about even, and maybe even a thousand calories or so under. So maybe I’m actually getting better at this, at least a little? That a crappy week which followed an indulgent weekend, where I’m trying to track but all I really want is a vanilla twist on a cone with rainbow sprinkles, doesn’t have to set me back totally? (Chocolate sprinkles are for people who hate joy.) Perhaps I’m getting better at having a crappy week?

Right now, even for the last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to push through, trying to keep going, waiting and hoping for some of that motivation to come back better. You know the cliches about how “The days when it’s most important to exercise are usually the days you most need it” or "if you wait for your perfect conditions to start, you never will"? They feel true. It’s not about what I did in June and July, when I had a whole “eight week reboot”, all energetic, tracking, motivated, feeling excited for the start of something.

But I joined in February!

Rather, it’s what I do now, when the newness (of another restart) has faded, when the weight loss slows, when life happens - that’s what matters. When I lost those fifty pounds, I certainly wasn’t feeling all go-getter and motivated during the entire process, because that’s impossible. But I still tried and still did it, even when I wanted to do anything else but. I kept trying, and all those little days added up (or rather, down) to a weight loss of fifty pounds.

Yesterday, I was trying to get right back into it.  I went to Zumba with my new workout friend and we walked to and from the gym. I still dance like a drunken zebra and can’t figure out how some of these people manage to move their feet, hips, and arms in different but synchronized ways, but it’s fun and burns 500 calories a class. It was a good day; we did some apartment organization and I made us gnocchi with marinara, and roasted asparagus, for dinner.

Today, we went to my parent’s house to celebrate Labor Day and my grandmother’s birthday. I made a chocolate cake for the occasion. I managed to have a good lunch and not eat 2/5 of the frosting. I wouldn’t call my food at dinner a success, but it wasn’t a total fail either. I’m still plugging along, trying to at least eat mindfully and decide if something is worth it.

Moving on - Despite the fact that the last couple of weeks weren’t too bad, I did not make my goal of getting into the 170’s by September. That kind of sucks, since it was well within my reach and I just want to get out of the 180s already. Thus I have an obvious goal for September. Begone 180s, and your little dog too! Beyond that, 175 is my next small goal, mostly because it’s a round number and solidly in the 170s.

This month is going to be hard. There are some Jewish holidays, one of which will involve a long weekend in Michigan, away from habits and routines. Work is going to start getting busy again, as all the attorneys come back from their summer vacations and realize how much shit they need to get done. But I’m going to remember that cliche that is so right, that my weight loss will not be accomplished on those few days when everything is right and I feel great, but rather on the normal, mundane days, where I try to eat right, to shape my habits and reshape my relationship with food.

Minor motivation: I got to see a friend of mine who just had a baby and meet her teeny, beautiful, week-old son. We took a photo together and I looked more like I had given birth a week ago than she did. I still forget that I weigh 180-185 pounds, despite seeing it on the scale.

Week Seven, Almost There: Women's Magazines and Scales

Open any women’s magazine, point to a page at random, and chances are the contents will be about weight loss. (Actually it will be an ad. For a weight loss product. Or mascara.) But if the page talks about weight loss, then somewhere amongst the five ways you can lose two inches in two weeks, the author will mention how scales are not accurate measurements of weight loss progress for the short term. They get too confused over silly things like bloating and can’t tell when I haven’t, in fact, gained half a pound, because I’ve been so good so something else must be going on.

Even though it should go both ways, I (like most people) don’t question the number on the scale when it’s lower than it was the week before. I don’t think, Oh, that’s not a real loss, I’m a bit dehydrated at the moment. Hell no - I do a mockery football-touchdown dance and gleefully mark it in whatever place I’m using to track everything. But if the number isn’t what I like, I quickly think over any possible reason that could explain how I could have actually lost weight and the scale just isn’t reflecting it. Sometimes it’s true - even my fancy body fat scale can change its own numbers if I weigh myself in different parts of the room - sometimes I just ate too much, and need to accept that the number might be accurate.

This is one of the reasons tracking calories can be so helpful. A couple of months ago, it helped me realize that bloat wasn't the culprit in my stagnating weight, just conveniently forgotten bad days. Hence my “reboot” plan to be more aware of calories. Currently, I am on the last week of my Eight Week Reboot plan and my average calorie intake is still on the "one pound loss per week train," of which I’m proud. I'd like it to be a little higher, but one pound a week adds up.

To more pounds.

According to the numbers - assuming I burn 1850 on an average day - I “should” see an eight pound loss when I step on the scale next week. That would bring me to 183 or so. Whatever the scale says, I know I’ve shed nearly eight pound from my body, and I have the data to prove this. So while I really want to see that number and then get the hell out of the 180s forever, I need to be okay with that not happening.

The last week of this plan will have some challenges. J and I will be heading north with the rest of my family for the wedding of a close family friend, and I’ll be taking off work this Friday to drive up to Connecticut. I’m so excited for the wedding, but will need to remind myself I don’t need to eat everything in order to properly celebrate. And just because I’m not at home in a familiar setting doesn’t mean I’m missing out if I say no. J will be there with me, that will help a lot, and I’ll do my best.

Yay!

I have no official meal plan for this week since we’re heading out on Thursday and I’m making dinners based on what I find in the fridge. However, I did accomplish my main food-related Sunday goal, which is to make one dish that can serve as lunch for at least four days during the week. This week is vegetable lo mein - made with lo mein noodles, purple cabbage, onions, sesame oil, soy sauce, garlic, and ginger. It’s not ideal protein-wise but I have some dairy on the side. Making one dish to serve for multiple lunches is cheaper and removes the decision of what to eat or how to estimate it during lunchtime.

As I’ve said, this is the last “official” week of my plan, but I’m going to keep going with this method of 1000-1100 calories per day, and then perhaps start increasing the calories over time. having a lower goal actually helps me end up in a good deficit place because there’s such a good cushion. Cheap psychological trick, but effective. I’ve felt great, eaten well and haven’t been hungry, so I’ll continue on this way.

Office Cake vs. Home Cake

Alright, moving on. Fine, those were a couple of harder weeks. While I did much better than I would have normally, I still didn’t do as well as I wanted. This has been a new week, a normal week, and I’ve dived right back into our gym/food tracking routine. Maybe some habits are getting more ingrained. We’re now in week five, steadily plugging along.

But I did realize some interesting things as I was shoving cookie dough in my mouth this past Saturday night. There is another dimension, so to speak, about the default settings I’m trying so hard to change - where I am.

Part of the reason this past week or two was a bit more challenging in terms of food is that we spent over half of it out of the house - first at my parent’s place, then at my MIL’s in Michigan. All of the not-as-great days happened there. It goes without saying that whatever I ate was my choice and I cannot blame anyone else for the occasions I ate too much.

I’m still working on leaning towards saying no when food is offered. In terms of work treats, I’ve made great progress - no bagels at the office breakfast, no cake at the farewell parties (except for that chocolate cake), none of the treats that co-workers randomly bring in. And it really is true that nobody cares whether or not I eat it or why, so I’ve stopped feeling self-conscious.

Oh no, it's fine. Come on in!

As I was eating that cookie dough and vaguely thinking how perhaps I should stop, I realize I probably wouldn't be doing this at home. It’s the setting as much as the actual treat that influences how good I am at turning it down (or, alternatively, deciding that the treat is worth it and enjoying some).

I’ve been able to make progress with ignoring office treats partially because the office is part of my normal routine. Even if the treat itself is special or new, the fact that I’m in the office setting makes it fairly easy to turn it down because I’m used to turning down things in the office, used to passing by the kitchen without peeking at whatever delectable has been placed out. However, that same habit doesn’t really work in new settings, places out of my routine. Turning down cake at work? No problem, I don’t even like cake that much. Turning down cake sitting on the counter at my parent’s house? Gimme.

Somehow I’m still fighting that childhood mentality, which said that parties and basically anywhere that wasn’t my house necessitated some kind of FOMO free-for-all. Treats were a rare commodity in my house, saved for once a week. No cookie jars or ice cream in the freezer. Being a little girl with a lot of issues, I sought the food that thought I was being deprived of elsewhere, anywhere. 

While I’m really proud that I’ve still eaten at “weight loss” levels for almost every day, it’s still a little frustrating that I let a new setting get the best of me. But now I know that new places, even with the same foods, can make it just a little bit harder.