Weigh In and Continuing with The Plan

The good: I did not gain any weight over the last six weeks. I lost a little gained a little and it evened out.

The bad is of course that in July and August I gained between 10 and 15 pounds, putting me at 180-183.

I also barely worked out. Literally every Jewish holiday fell on a Tuesday night this fall, Tuesday is my night with my gym buddy, where we see the great instructor in the great class where we strength training and power dance for two straight hours. So for basically five out of six weeks I could not go to class and I stupidly or whatever did not make the effort to go a different night. My gym buddy and I both dropped the ball. I'm of course not happy she's struggling, but I'm happy to know someone who understands.

But now all the holidays are over. I know for most people this is kind of the start of the holiday season, but for me it is actually, finally, the end. Thanksgiving might be hard, Hanukkah might be hard, there might be a few holiday parties. But they will either be just one day or one meal in the evening in the middle of a mostly normal workweek. 

This is quite contrary to the recent Jewish holidays. For those who don't know that means, it means that I don't go to work, I don't use electricity at all, no car, no subway. No writing or drawing. What do we do? Eat, pray, board games, read, walk, nap. Emphasis on eat. I liked spending so much time

with family as friends, but I am honesty thrilled to be getting back to a normal schedule.

The last time I tried my eat small meals plan, I did it for just four or five days. Then it was part 2 of 7: Jewish holiday edition, and I gave up. Now I need to try again. Yay for maintaining, but at 181.8 pounds as of this morning, that's not even close to good enough.

I'm also thinking of getting rid of the scale. Maybe just weigh in once a month, or maybe not at all. Why? I think it's hurt more than helped over the last few years. Because the truth is that if I'm tracking, whether calories or weight watchers points, I know how I'm doing, good or bad.

When I was consistently tracking for that year or so, John had helped me make numerous graphs where we overlayed my calorie intake over my weight.

The result? They matched up pretty perfectly. So the point is that the scale won't be telling me anything I don't know. Either it will validate my efforts, efforts of which I'm all too aware. Or, it will show me a gain that I can blame on bloat or "bodies are weird sometimes" syndrome. In fact, perhaps the real times I need the scale are when I'm not tracking, not doing well, so that I don't get into denial about gaining like I'm want to do.

Bottom line is, maybe the scale isn't a useful tool right now. It makes me mad more often than not. As of yesterday morning I'm at 181.8 and 38.7 body fat. I'll decide next month if I feel like looking at the scale.

To anyone reading this: I hope you have not given up on me because I have not given up on me.

Insert cliche about weight loss being a journey and success being a crazy squiggly line. End with super clever, topical joke.

Stuff and Things

Bullet Point Post because I’ve been distracted the last couple of days. I’m waiting to hear back about an amazing job and it feels like applying to college again - just tell me yes or no so I can move on.

• The Jewish holiday season is over. I know that for most people, the holiday season hasn’t even started, but for me it’s basically over and I am so, so glad. I would go into it more, but it seems strange to complain about too many days off and too much good food available.

• Looking back, I realized I only did the “small meals” plan for… five days. Then the holiday season started and I had a lot of trouble doing it for the short days in between.

• This morning I weighed in at 183. Some may be bloat or whatever, as it’s about five pounds up from two weeks ago, and there’s no way I was overeating to that degree

• Still, it was really shitty to see that on the scale, and I am feeling sort of desperate to get back to it, to not feeling so uncomfortable in my body

• My gym buddy has also been struggling with eating well the last couple of months. Holidays and other events have kept us from our beloved gym classes, so we’re determined to get back to our regular Sunday and Tuesday classes

• I hate waiting to hear back from things.

• It’s getting colder here, which is wonderful for two main reasons. 1) I can wear long sleeves and pants without feeling like I’m dying of sweat inhalation; and 2) I don’t have to look at women wearing rompers, which I think is one of the dumbest trends in recent history 
• Seriously, with the rompers. “Here is an outfit that flatters only the thinnest of people, and forces those who do wear it to sit on the toilet topless because they have to pull the whole thing off.” “Perfect! Make sure they’re all just shy of showing off the butt.”

Any trends you just do not understand?

Weigh-In: Strategies for Not Gaining Weight Over the Holidays Or When Visiting Parents

This is a weird week - I was off yesterday since we flew back from Michigan, and I’ll be off again on Friday for the end of Passover. Three day weeks are the best.

Our time in Michigan, where John and I stayed with his mother, stepfather, sister, brother, and stepfather’s kids, was lovely. We ended up doing some puzzles together, which I always forget how much I enjoy until I do them.

Food wise, I made mostly good choices and some not so great, but overall I think it averaged out to “okay.” There were definitely a few places where I took a portion that was larger than necessary, or had a bit of wine even though I didn’t really want it. On the flip side, I was mindful of snacking, never had seconds of anything, and tried to make the focus on family and not food. My mother-in-law happened to have bought mostly cake and cookie mixes and not actual sweets, and in the end nobody bothered to make them. For someone like me, who’s a lot more tempted by a cookie than some chips, that was good.

This week’s weigh-in happened this morning like normal:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24	3/31	4/7
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	177	175	173.6	172.4	172	168.4	170
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7	60.3	60.8
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7	61.5	61.5

I am, actually, quite okay with that weight. That burst of fat loss is still holding. The weight itself feels like a backswing that’s balancing out the insane four-pound loss from the previous week. Thirty pounds down from my highest. However long that took doesn’t matter, the gains and losses don’t matter. What matter is that five years ago a weighed thirty pounds more, and now, not only do I weigh less, I actually have a better relationship with food, am fitter, and happier. I really, really, hope it doesn’t take me another five years to lose the next thirty pounds, but even if it does, I think I’ll be just as proud. Losing weight is hard, so no matter how slowly it happens, it’s still an accomplishment.

I’ve also finally figured out some of the strategies that I think work for me during holidays, or just generally when I'm in unfamiliar or junk-food-filled environments: 

Don’t Snack

• This is actually something that happened naturally during the last year or so. I’ve stopped snacking. Sometimes I’ll get a bit hungry at noon or so, but then I just figure I’ll have lunch soon.
• My goal is to get each meal to take me to the next meal. Sometimes I’ll have some fruit if I really want something, or if I just happen to bring it, but overall the snacks are pretty much non-existent.
• This no-snacking custom is easier to maintain in an office setting than a “home” setting, since the second one gives much easier access. However, I’m really aiming to just cut out the snacking when I’m home. Looking back, that’s definitely one of the things that takes me over the edge from an “okay, pretty good” day to a “crap, oh well that was not great” kind of day.

No Seconds

• Again, probably another no-brainer for most people, but avoiding seconds is something I only just started to realize on my own
• Seconds are overrated - I’ve already had a portion of the things, and I’m usually full by that point. Seconds usually comes out of boredom or just because the food is right in front of me, and rarely because I’m actually still hungry

I figure if I can really focus on these two rules, I will be able to have a successful rest of the holiday. Those rules mean that the only food I eat is during meals, and during firsts and not seconds. Of course if I’m actually really hungry between meals I’ll have a snack, but it’s not something that comes up often.

We’ll be at my parents from Thursday through Sunday this week. My goal is to just be mindful and not gain, basically. It’s only a few days. I've been on a good roll lately, and want to keep it going.

In other news, I’ve been crap lately about getting to the gym in the morning. I’m still working out 4-5 times a week, but now it’s been during lunch or after work. This is just due to plain old not getting to bed on time. I know all the advantages of going in the morning, I need to start doing this.

Overall, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling confident about this. Now I just need to bottle and save this feeling for the next time I feel like crap. Positive thinking!

Weekly Weigh-In - Drunk Scale

Here are the latest numbers, straight from my unforgiving and possibly drunk bathroom scale:

	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	11/6	11/12	11/19	12/3	12/10
Weight	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	179.6	179.6	177.6	181	179
Lbs. Fat	82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	70.3	68.8	68.1	71.4	66.9
Lbs. Muscle	67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	65	67.7	63.3	68.7	64

The scale has been fluctuating wildly last few weeks, but at least I'm back on the right track. Plus, the fat pounds are the lowest I've had - a good sign. One of my short-term goals, besides getting into the 160s by 2/16, is to have more muscle than fat. I'm getting close, and I think it will cause a little mental shift to have a more proper ratio.

There are too many events happening this week - our company's holiday party tonight, potluck meals with friends, our department potluck on Monday, and another little work party on Tuesday. Of course it's nice to be celebrating, but it's a lot of food-events for one week.

I'm going to try to do my best tonight, but not beat myself up if I don't do well. I went to the gym, had a hearty but lighter lunch, and will be having a "mini" dinner before head out there, so I don't have the mentality of "this is my dinner" when looking at the delicious but likely deep-fried food at the bar, because that often leads to overeating.

For the work potluck I'm going to make a vegetable based dish so there's something healthier I can focus on, and probably fudge because fudge is awesome. Yesterday I slipped on my "no food at work" rule and had a chocolate-covered Oreo that someone got as a holiday gift from a vendor. How is something so simple, so delicious?

Thanksgiving is Just One Day

So remember last week when I said I refused to gain weight? I even put it in bold font, so obviously it was very serious. However, I may have put on a pound or so over the last week. We’ll see on Wednesday, the official weigh-in day, as bloat and whatever else settles in, but I might be up. It’s not much, it’s not going to hold me back from making my February goal of breaking the 30 pound loss mark, but it’s a frustrating detour I didn’t want to take.

I think I let the anticipation of a food-related challenge get to me. I knew Thanksgiving would be hard, and that we'd be away for the weekend, probably with a lot of delicious and unhealthy food. So it's like I gave up before I started: On Wednesday I broke my “no office food” rule for the first time, eating a cupcake that a coworker brought in. On Thursday, Thanksgiving, I didn’t track anything. Or the next day. It was the first time in a long time that I skipped recording my food. 

It was my anticipation of the potential to overeat and the challenges ahead - “Oh my god, there’s going to be SO MUCH food everywhere, all weekend, and there’ll be no gym and it will be ten degrees." How pointless, right? I made some good choices, sticking to the white meat at dinner, and realizing that I didn’t need seconds of stuffing and gravy, and had only one of the three desserts offered. Then I made several bad choices, like eating some leftover cake later that night.

By Saturday night I was in this weird in-between mode of eating a totally reasonable and healthy lunch and then pouring myself a glass of apple cider. It was not fun - my feelings and brain wanted to eat well, but my actions were not reflecting that.

Yesterday I realized how ridiculous I was being, recorded what I could remember, and packed a gym bag for this morning. Today I went to the gym, tracked my food, and netted 1200 calories. Oddly enough, it was as simple as that.

On Saturday I felt in the throes of a teen angsty-level of self-pity, this close to writing a free-verse poem about how trying to lose weight is like a baby whale who's lost its mama, with a classy metaphor involving Jennifer Lawrence and cheese fries, and a twist ending where everyone dies. 

Now, I feel pretty good and like my difficult weekend was not the beginning of a pattern but rather just that - a difficult weekend.

So now, I feel pretty good. But this whole thing just double-triple reinforces that I still get overwhelmed by holidays, parties, and other non-routine stuff. I end up overthinking it, or revert back to that sneaky ten-year-old, or break my biggest weight-loss tip, and get mad at myself for slipping. This is still something I need to work on. The other option is to allow myself to indulge, within reason, during these times, and accept that there might be an extra pound or two. I think that can actually work if I immediately get back to healthy habits.

Finally Done: Staying Accountable During Holidays

Whew. The major 2014 Jewish holidays, which ate up every single one of my vacation days, and then some, are done. I’ve never been more excited to go back to work on Monday with the knowledge that I will have a five day week. I like routines; I like being in control of my own schedule. Sure, there will be Thanksgiving and then Chanukah/Hanukah/Hanukka in December, but it’s more spread out and/or less of an eating fest.

I mentioned last week that I didn’t eat too well over the first part of the holiday, and only half-assly tried to stop myself. Unfortunately, this weekend wasn’t much better. Once again, I made a few good choices - having an apple when all I wanted was the leftover lava cake (made by yours truly, since I’m such a genius), and plenty of bad ones - eating the leftover lava cake the next day, when it wasn’t even that good anymore. I also didn’t move enough, despite my noble intentions to take a couple of long walks. This morning the scale was at 183.4 - some of that is hopefully bloat, but I may have put on a pound or so.

Whatever.

So the holidays were not great in terms of food, but like last week, I am diving right back into old (good) habits. Today my Zumba friend was back, and we went to our fun and calorie burner class, and I ate well and tracked. I am challenged during holidays, but routine I can do.

However confident and happy I am to be sliding back into routine with the confidence that I will finally, finally, get into the 170s, I probably can’t just ignore how much I was not in control over the holiday. Weight issues, I know, go beyond just food. Most people carrying around an extra 50 pounds have more in their head than “Mmm, donuts,” that helped along their weight gain. My issues seem to rear their chubby little selves around most when I’m not holding myself accountable, or I’m not able to to hold myself accountable. These past few weeks have included a lot of days in the second category, when I wasn’t able to track my food intake or weigh myself.

My brain seems to decide that if I’m not able to track, well then, I’d better take advantage of it, by golly. Just like when I was a kid and came across some unsuspecting cookies sitting out on the counter, I would wonder if I could eat two, or three, before my mother realized some were missing. And when I was filling my plate during lunch on Thursday, I knew that whatever I ate wouldn’t see the electronic light of day because I wouldn’t be able to remember that either, when I was finally able to record all my food. And yes, last night, I tried to track, and couldn’t even remember whether I had breakfast on Thursday or just coffee.

Maybe it would have been easier to have no dessert than to decide what I want to have, how much to have of it, and then to estimate how many calories it is. So far, trying to pick and choose has not been a good strategy for me, as I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what I should eat. Letting myself go was definitely not a good option, since I went overboard. Sweets have always been my main downfall, and aside from fried items, desserts are usually the easiest to overeat. A nice-sized steak can have as many calories as a slice pie, but I would be able to eat half the steak more easily than half a slice of pie.

I’m not really sure how to deal with this, but maybe if I really can get right back on the horse after the holiday is over, it doesn’t matter. If a day can be a day (or even three days be three days) and as long as I’m not going too overboard during those times, for now I can just let the time go, take the pound or so gain that results from it, and acknowledge that my weight loss will take a bit longer because of it. Long-term I do want to figure out these triggers, but for right now being in a routine most of the time is enough.