Weigh In and Continuing with The Plan

The good: I did not gain any weight over the last six weeks. I lost a little gained a little and it evened out.

The bad is of course that in July and August I gained between 10 and 15 pounds, putting me at 180-183.

I also barely worked out. Literally every Jewish holiday fell on a Tuesday night this fall, Tuesday is my night with my gym buddy, where we see the great instructor in the great class where we strength training and power dance for two straight hours. So for basically five out of six weeks I could not go to class and I stupidly or whatever did not make the effort to go a different night. My gym buddy and I both dropped the ball. I'm of course not happy she's struggling, but I'm happy to know someone who understands.

But now all the holidays are over. I know for most people this is kind of the start of the holiday season, but for me it is actually, finally, the end. Thanksgiving might be hard, Hanukkah might be hard, there might be a few holiday parties. But they will either be just one day or one meal in the evening in the middle of a mostly normal workweek. 

This is quite contrary to the recent Jewish holidays. For those who don't know that means, it means that I don't go to work, I don't use electricity at all, no car, no subway. No writing or drawing. What do we do? Eat, pray, board games, read, walk, nap. Emphasis on eat. I liked spending so much time

with family as friends, but I am honesty thrilled to be getting back to a normal schedule.

The last time I tried my eat small meals plan, I did it for just four or five days. Then it was part 2 of 7: Jewish holiday edition, and I gave up. Now I need to try again. Yay for maintaining, but at 181.8 pounds as of this morning, that's not even close to good enough.

I'm also thinking of getting rid of the scale. Maybe just weigh in once a month, or maybe not at all. Why? I think it's hurt more than helped over the last few years. Because the truth is that if I'm tracking, whether calories or weight watchers points, I know how I'm doing, good or bad.

When I was consistently tracking for that year or so, John had helped me make numerous graphs where we overlayed my calorie intake over my weight.

The result? They matched up pretty perfectly. So the point is that the scale won't be telling me anything I don't know. Either it will validate my efforts, efforts of which I'm all too aware. Or, it will show me a gain that I can blame on bloat or "bodies are weird sometimes" syndrome. In fact, perhaps the real times I need the scale are when I'm not tracking, not doing well, so that I don't get into denial about gaining like I'm want to do.

Bottom line is, maybe the scale isn't a useful tool right now. It makes me mad more often than not. As of yesterday morning I'm at 181.8 and 38.7 body fat. I'll decide next month if I feel like looking at the scale.

To anyone reading this: I hope you have not given up on me because I have not given up on me.

Insert cliche about weight loss being a journey and success being a crazy squiggly line. End with super clever, topical joke.

NBD, Just On a Classic Blogger Weight Gaincation

Hi. How does this usually work? Do I explain that I’ve been just so busy with my super duper busy life, gained between three and forty-three pounds, but now I’m back on day three of “The New You Diet”TM and totesOMG ready to do this again this time it will stick I’m so motivated?

The truth is, I’m not even sure what happened. I ate like it was going out of style through July and most of August. It wasn’t like freshman year of college, when I got to 200 pounds by eating unhealthy foods at mealtimes and just refusing to think how many calories I was consuming or how my clothes weren’t fitting. It was more like, “What have I eaten today that’s at least 90% empty calories? A cookie? That’s not enough, I need half a pizza!”

On June 25, the last time I posted here, I weighed just under 170 pounds. That was already a couple of pounds gained. In general, I was frustrated and struggling to eat well.

On July 20, I weighed 172.2. A couple of pounds up from June, but not too terrible. But on August 20th I weighed 182.6. I gained ten pounds in a month. The “in one month” scares me a lot more than the “ten pounds” part. It terrifies me. To have gained that much weight in a month, I would have had to eat an extra 1100 calories per day. That’s scary. And impressive in a horrible kind of way.

On the other hand, it was actually pretty easy. A piece of cake and a muffin together have about 1000 calories. So do two slices of pizza, or a proper burrito. A couple of calorie-bomb snacks or a couple extra slices turns an okay maintenance day into a ⅓ pound gain. It’s so, so easy to gain weight. Lesson for maintenance. 

 I keep thinking about the few people I know, or know of, who’ve lost weight and kept it off for at least a few years. There’s a girl I went to camp with, who lost something like 75 pounds when she was 22. She maintains her weight by only eating carbohydrates or sugar on her birthday, having a healthy living focused job about which she constantly updates on all available forms of social media, and by posting at least three weight/food related articles per week on facebook. I’m assuming that last part is required by her diet, but who knows. There’s my old college roommate, who averaged a pound or two lost per month… for all four years of school. He graduated two years ago, and still looks great. There’s my sister, who lost about 20-25 pounds a few years ago and has since been paranoid about gaining it back, watching her food intake with a diligence I thought was reserved for middle-aged Hollywood actresses trying to stay fuckable. (Please watch Amy Schumer’s amazing sketch on this.) 

And as much as I’m mocking some of them them, the truth is that I’m jealous. Jealous that they’ve gotten to a place that seems impossible for me. I’m also wondering if it’s possible to maintain weight loss without being crazy diligent or restrictive forever. Can I ever have a normal relationship with food? I know, technically, it’s not impossible. My body can go down in fat just like anybody elses. And it HAS. I have. Lately though, I’ve felt doomed to the same shitty pattern. It’s not good for my body, my heart, or my health. Maybe I’m finally starting to face what every weight loser, dietician, and lose-now-book-of-the-month laments: You need to fix your relationship with food, how you see it and how you relate to it, in order to make any real or lasting changes. I think - I hope - I can do that.

I feel like I should mention, in the end of a post whining about how eating less is hard, that my grandfather died on July 30. My father’s father, my genius, stubborn, witty, generous, insisting on buying peanuts for the squirrels, showing me the mint that grew by their house, WWII veteran Grandpa, who worked at his business until the age of 81 (ten years ago), and only stopped because he had a stroke. He and my grandmother were part of every Memorial Day, Labor Day, July Fourth, Thanksgiving, graduation, and Jewish holiday. My family is tiny - I don’t actually have any first cousins or aunts - and his death has left a shitty void where an awesome, sarcastic old man used to be.

I don’t know if this belongs here, and I draw the line at these paragraphs because, in the end, this is a weight loss blog and I prefer to mourn with the people who knew him. However, I miss him so tremendously and it feels wrong to not mention him when writing anything about the last couple of months.

I’m in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago, which is good. This time I’m turning it around at 180 pounds. Last year I had to get to 190 before I woke up. I’ll come back soon with what I’m doing to undo this damage, but for now I wanted to check in and say hi. 

Weekly Weigh In - Getting Off the Blah Train

This week’s stats:

	Start	6/8	8/19	10/29	12/31	1/28	3/31	4/7	4/21	5/5	5/12
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181.4	177.2	174.6	168.4	170	170.4	172.4	171.8
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.8	67.1	65.3	60.3	60.8	61.3	63.4	60.9
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	67.3	63.9	64.4	61.5	61.5	65	64	64.2

So fat is way down while muscle mass maintained. Good numbers, considering. I don’t know how much of the net gain is actual weight from my time overeating, and how much is bloat, but either way I’d like it to go away.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. My mom is the best, and my siblings and I planned to make a big homemade dinner with my parents and grandparents to celebrate. Since she loves Italian, we decided to make soup, pizza with fun toppings, and some veggies. Also, mojitos because those are the best.

I’ve kept up my baking hiatus in general, and I know that making vegetables instead of desserts for social gatherings has probably saved me approximately 24329 calories in “I have to eat one to make sure it’s good.”

The siren song of miniature chocolates

But for some reason my brain went out the window and I was all, “I’m going to make lava cakes for dessert! And we’ll get some fancy $14-a-pint Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream to go with it!” My plan to not go overboard was “Don’t go overboard.”

"We need a plan of attack!"

Fail. Why do I keep doing that? Why do I forget that I need planning, and rules, or I’ll just snack/taste throughout the day and not really realize how much I must have consumed until it’s hours later? I picked at the chocolate chips, and split a “test” pizza with my brother and sister. (We used this recipe for pizza dough; it was amazing.)

I have my go-to rules - no snacking and no seconds. I wish I had just stuck to that. One small lava cake at dinner, even adding ice cream to make a 400-calorie dessert, could have been a nice treat that was part of a wonderful celebration of my mother and grandmother. Instead, I compounded that with at least three servings of chocolate chips and tastes of batter. I need to be more mindful of situations like that - I seem to be super mindful after it happens, of course. But that’s not really even mindfulness, that’s just acknowledging my mistakes. Mindfulness has to come before the food to count and to accomplish anything.

I want to start making progress again, not just stagnant at this awesome but insufficient thirty pound loss. I think a great way to do this is focus on small things, and also to remind myself of the good things I am doing, even if and when I’m not perfect. I’m still going to the gym consistently, I am doing well in not being in denial over how many calories or how much I ate, and most importantly, I’m still trying, still caring, and still pushing myself to do better.

Goals for this Week:

• Track all food and drinks, no matter what
• Go to the gym at least three more times before Sunday, ideally four
• Remember that the delicious chocolate in the office candy bowl is the result of horrible human conditions and mass environmental destruction and I don’t want it
• Don’t have cake at the office farewell on Thursday
• This is actually the first “farewell” we’ve had in at least six months. Back when we had a whole slew of farewell cakes, I got used to just not having any and not caring that I wasn’t. I know that it’s not worth it, cake is not something that excites me, so I just need to do that.

What are your strategies for being healthy or healthier this week?

Weigh-In - Thirty-One Pounds Down!!

Super fast update:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24	3/31
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	177	175	173.6	172.4	172	168.4
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7	60.3
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7	61.5

I am officially, finally, out of the 170s! Yes! Muscle is wayy down, but I don't even care. 

This comes at a good time, because tomorrow we fly out to Michigan and then Passover begins. I am historically bad at holiday time, especially in unfamiliar environments. I need to lose this as motivation to not go crazy. I would seriously suck to get on the scale next week and realize I'm right back in the 170s. 

Let's do this!

Tell me about something awesome you did recently

Weekly Weigh-In & A Little Bit of News

It's been a little busy around here, so this won't be the long rambling post I know you all enjoy so much.

In short, I'm really glad I got a little stricter with my food. I definitely needed  bit more structure, and it's been going very well. I have to plan more carefully since there's a lot less room for little extras, but that's the point and a good thing. Only hiccup was Friday night, when I went way off - just a wonderful, heavy meal where I almost gave up trying because of all the temptations. I'm not happy about undoing the previous day's work, yet I got right back on the next day and have been going strong.

Besides from Friday, office food has not been had, lunches have been packed and not bought (mostly), and meals have been planned. The passive voice has also been thoroughly abused.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	177	175	173.6	172.4	172
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7

Muscle and fat match exactly this week, fat level is the same and net weight down a pound. I was hoping my effort would show on the scale since I'm confident I ate a pound's less worth of food, but I'm trusting that it will show up. After all, last week I had a loss that was definitely not the result of that week's work, but probably farther back than that. Bodies are weird. 

Onto the news: Since my manager knows and it's not a secret, I decided to share that I'm currently looking for a new job. I've learned a lot being a paralegal for the last two or three years, but it's time to figure out what I actually want to do with my career and life. My job is structured in that people usually leave after two years, for law school or another career path, so my news is not surprising to anyone at work (it's happened before with other people). I also happen to have an outstanding and supportive manager, for which I know I'm really lucky. 

So, that's that! Tell me about your week!

Weekly Weigh-In: A New Low & More Muscle than Fat!

This was a bit of a tough week. I overate on Wednesday, which is the worst day to do so, because then I spend the rest of the time making up for it. I pulled off a half pound deficit. If I'd had a good Wednesday, it might have been a pound. Ah well. Overall I'm proud that I didn't let a bad day pull me off track for more days.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/18	2/25	3/4	3/10
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	178	177	175	173.6
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	67.4	66.5	64.6	65.1
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	64.2	68.2	64.1	66.2

Yay! A new low, as I've haven't seen 173-point-anything on the scale since the last time I was losing weight. The other amazing thing is that my muscle weight is higher than my actual weight. That happened on 2/25, which you can see on the above chart, but I took that one with a grain of salt because the muscle count was unusually high.

But now, look at this week! Fully a pound more muscle. I know it should be more like I have half as much fat as muscle, but this is a huge, amazing shift and I'm counting it as a milestone.

Speaking of shoulds, I keep a kind of tally of what I "should" weight versus what I actually weigh, based on calories eaten and burned. "Should" is in quotes because none of my measurements are infallible - I have to estimate a few foods a week, and hell, nutrition labels are allowed to be off by a certain percentage. I'm also estimating how many calories I burn per day.

With those disclaimers, here's what the math says: I "should" weigh 169 pounds. Bottom line, I "should" be in the 160s already. But try telling my body and the scale that.

I'm feeling good about the upcoming week. It's so much slower than I'd like, but I'm heading in the right direction.


I don't care that it's a tired topic, I am SO happy that spring is coming around! Who's with me? 

Do you have "should" and "actual" for anything in your life?

Weekly Weigh-In: Seesaw

I got my groove back, working hard and ending the week with a 3300-calorie deficit. (I.e. almost a pound's worth of calories.) 

This week’s weigh-in below. Since I’ve been doing more intensive Tuesday night workouts that I think might have been affecting the weigh-in, I got on a scale a day early.

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/18	2/25	3/4
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	178	177	175
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	67.4	66.5	64.6
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	64.2	68.2	64.1

So we’re getting closer to where it’s supposed to be before the ridiculous 4-pounds-up-in-one-week gain, but still a couple pounds off by my calorie calculations. On another note, look how close the fat and muscle pounds are! The seesaw is about to turn the other way.

Honestly, I’m worried this is starting to mess with my head. Just based on these numbers, my weight has been overall quite stagnant for months. But it shouldn’t be. But it is. And I'm tired of being tired of it.

I’ve had one or two people tell me that they’ve noticed I look smaller, more compact, compared to a couple of months ago. I can feel it, too. My back and waist are smaller, and I think my thighs are actually smaller too. That one’s especially great, because they’re usually the last to go. I can see my jawline has gotten more defined. It's definitely time for some new measurements and progress photos, actually.

So it’s like my appearance matches my efforts and success, but the scale, even with it’s fat/muscle magic, isn’t. I liked the scale because it’s supposed to be a good way to measure shorter term progress, but right now it’s not doing its job. So I either need to really, really focus on the positive changes that have been happening to my body (because they really have and it’s great) or stop weighing in.

Tools are only tools when they’re useful (unless of course you’re talking about people who are tools), and this one’s not being useful. It’s time for some updated measurements, ASAP.

The other question is, should I put the scale away? 
Who else is sick of my whining besides me?