Showing My Face & Philadelphia Highlights (Prisons! Signings!)

John and I just got back from our trip to Philadelphia. It was really fun - we basically just let Tripadvisor tell us what we should do and see, and went from there. After some research, we decided to stay in an Airbnb apartment instead of a hotel near the city center, and it was fantastic - saved at least $300, and that’s for more space and a kitchen! Will never stay in a hotel again if I can swing it.

Highlights included:

The Liberty Bell

• They also had a really thought-provoking exhibit on slavery, and how its continued existence was in awful and highly hypocritical parallel with the slave-owning founding fathers (like George Washington)

Independence Hall

• Birthplace of the US, where the Declaration of Independence was argued, drafted, and signed. (Tours are free!)
• Also the site of National Treasure, a movie I unironically love

Eastern State Penitentiary

• A prison that had running water before the White House, this place was fascinating and the exhibits were so well done. You get a set of headphones when you start, and it’s all a self-guided tour and you can just wander around and see the cells, tunnel from the 1945 escape attempt, death row, baseball diamond
• We learned about how the prison changed over the hundreds of years in which it operated and how it was abandoned/condemned in the 1970s, and finally turned into a museum after two decades of arguments and politics

Jewish Museum

• Lots of interesting information, but I was hoping for more artifacts and first person accounts (i.e. things you can’t get online or from a textbook)

Unlimited Bowling at Lucky Strike

• Not special to Philly, but I wanted to memorialize that we played five games in one evening. Don’t ask for our scores, though.

We also walked about 25 miles over the time there - that was essentially our mode of transportation. By the end my feet hurt a lot (John was fine, weirdo) but it was overall a great trip, and all just a couple of hours away.

So, the burning questions - food and weight. As of Wednesday, I weigh 183.2, which is actually about half a pound down from a month ago. That’s good. On the trip I got a picture of what will make a good "before" or "during" of being at 183 pounds.

Thus, presenting for the first time on this blog, my face. Huge moment, I know. I figured that anyone reading this who knows me would figure it out anyway pretty quickly, so why not? And yes, I wasn't exaggerating about how pale I am.

With John’s encouragement, I started tracking again on MyFitnessPal during the trip and have now kept it up for the whole week! Baby steps, I know. I’ve mostly abandoned the whole “small meals” thing in favor of this. I didn’t seem to be working for me, or maybe I didn’t give it a fair chance, I’m not sure. I do know that it felt odder than I thought it would to eat basically a snack with my colleagues eating their lunches, and then have 2-3 snacks during the day.

My goal for the trip was just to stay at maintenance level - which, in part thanks to all our walking, I am happy to say I did.

I’m still really, really struggling with believing in myself. That I can still do this where I’ve failed so many times, regained so much weight, and use food as a comfort, a reward, and a punishment. That all the little bits will add up to weight loss. I’m trying. I know that probably everyone who’s had weight to lose has felt this way, even the people who ultimately succeed. I so badly want to be one of them. For now, I’m working really hard to at least track my food and stay at maintenance level, but I really want to up my game and get back into the 170s.

Weigh In and a Leaner, Meaner Leah

Life has been a bit busier around here. In terms of food, I would say I'm doing okay. That's the best I can describe. Not feeling out of control, not being tempted to eat a burrito for a second breakfast, but probably not doing as well as I can.

My most recent weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	10/29	12/31	1/28	3/31	4/21	5/5	5/12	6/7	6/18
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181.4	177.2	174.6	168.4	170.4	172.4	171.8	174.4	169.8
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.8	67.1	65.3	60.3	61.3	63.4	60.9	65	60.5
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	67.3	63.9	64.4	61.5	65	64	64.2	65.1	62.5

Woot! Back in the 160s - barely, but it counts. Now to just keep that trend going. Also, holy shit on apparently gaining and losing five solid pounds of fat. I'm assuming that's not quite accurate, but at the very least it shows how much I backtracked over those few weeks.

Some other highlights:

- At my Total Body Conditioning Class this week, the instructor told me that he saw a great difference in my body, and that it was inspiring for him to see someone doing that. I gotta say, that made my night. Since I've started taking his class, I've lost maybe a few pounds at most, but it seems that I'm still getting leaner!

- I've been the worst at bringing lunch. Not so terrible for calories, actually, since in midtown Manhattan, by law every third lunch place must be exclusively salads. However, it's very bad for my wallet.

- Next weekend John and I are going to an out-of-town wedding of a friend of his from high school. I've been to maybe 10 weddings in my adult life, but this will be the first one where I don't know the bride or the groom, let alone any of the guests. Should be interesting.

Guess which one I am?

        Number One Goal for this week: TRACK my food. My weight is down, so I must be doing something right, but I know that I'm not in a sustainable weight loss mode - plus, I'd like to lose a little faster. I need accountability, I need numbers and statistics so that I can make graphs.

Weight Loss - One Year Later

As of a couple of days ago, it’s been a year since I first started this journey. I technically started back in February 2014, but after losing little to no weight for four or five months, I looked at my Myfitnesspal tracker sometime last June and realized that I was eating a lot more than I thought. So I switched it up and got more careful.

Thus I think of June as my real “anniversary.” Despite certain weeks and even months during this year when I didn’t give a crap, and/or wasn’t eating well, I still think of this year as one coherent time of attempted weight loss. This is mostly because I never stopped, in my weird way, caring. Even when I didn’t give a crap, I did. I may also be biased because I hate the concept of “restarting on Monday” or similar second-chance plans.

So, one year later, what have I done?

	Weight	% Fat	% Muscle	Lbs Fat	Lbs Muscle
6/8/2014	191.2	42.8	34.8	82.7	67.3
6/9/2015	173.4	36.6	36.7	63.5	63.3
Difference	17.8	6.2	-1.9	19.2	4

In twelve months, I’ve lost just under twenty pounds of fat and also lost a few pounds of muscle. Percentage-wise, though, I’ve actually gained muscle.

If you told me a year ago that I’d lose twenty pounds over the next twelve months, I’d have been extremely disappointed and pissed. And it’s true, I really did want more from this year, and the “could have” and “should have” are dancing around my head. But twenty pounds is still twenty pounds, and even if it takes me a full additional year to lose another twenty, I’ll still make it eventually, right? Yes, it could have been forty or fifty, maybe it should have been, but I’ve realized that I could have just as easily ended the year with an extra twenty pounds.

It’s just so, so easy to be disappointed because I know I could have done so much better, but I know I still need to remember that it’s still progress - great progress, because virtually all the weight lost was pure fat - and that I should be proud of that.

All I can do now is focus on the next year. Of course, I’d like to get to goal, which is probably about another 45 pounds away. Maybe I can, maybe I won’t. But even if I don’t make it this year, I know I’ll make great progress towards that goal, and be in an even better place than I am now.

Right now, I’m doing pretty well. It’s weird, I’m not writing down my meals, just kind of going over it in my head. It’s easy since I’m not snacking. I know in the long terms I need to get back to tracking, but for now I’m feeling good where I am, and it’s working.

  I’m a couple pounds down from the gains of those few weeks, and confident I’ll be back in the 160s soon.

Weekly Weigh-In & A Little Bit of News

It's been a little busy around here, so this won't be the long rambling post I know you all enjoy so much.

In short, I'm really glad I got a little stricter with my food. I definitely needed  bit more structure, and it's been going very well. I have to plan more carefully since there's a lot less room for little extras, but that's the point and a good thing. Only hiccup was Friday night, when I went way off - just a wonderful, heavy meal where I almost gave up trying because of all the temptations. I'm not happy about undoing the previous day's work, yet I got right back on the next day and have been going strong.

Besides from Friday, office food has not been had, lunches have been packed and not bought (mostly), and meals have been planned. The passive voice has also been thoroughly abused.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/25	3/4	3/10	3/17	3/24
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	177	175	173.6	172.4	172
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	66.5	64.6	65.1	62.7	62.7
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	68.2	64.1	66.2	65.3	62.7

Muscle and fat match exactly this week, fat level is the same and net weight down a pound. I was hoping my effort would show on the scale since I'm confident I ate a pound's less worth of food, but I'm trusting that it will show up. After all, last week I had a loss that was definitely not the result of that week's work, but probably farther back than that. Bodies are weird. 

Onto the news: Since my manager knows and it's not a secret, I decided to share that I'm currently looking for a new job. I've learned a lot being a paralegal for the last two or three years, but it's time to figure out what I actually want to do with my career and life. My job is structured in that people usually leave after two years, for law school or another career path, so my news is not surprising to anyone at work (it's happened before with other people). I also happen to have an outstanding and supportive manager, for which I know I'm really lucky. 

So, that's that! Tell me about your week!

Weekly Weigh-In: A New Low & More Muscle than Fat!

This was a bit of a tough week. I overate on Wednesday, which is the worst day to do so, because then I spend the rest of the time making up for it. I pulled off a half pound deficit. If I'd had a good Wednesday, it might have been a pound. Ah well. Overall I'm proud that I didn't let a bad day pull me off track for more days.

This week's weigh-in:

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/18	2/25	3/4	3/10
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	178	177	175	173.6
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	67.4	66.5	64.6	65.1
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	64.2	68.2	64.1	66.2

Yay! A new low, as I've haven't seen 173-point-anything on the scale since the last time I was losing weight. The other amazing thing is that my muscle weight is higher than my actual weight. That happened on 2/25, which you can see on the above chart, but I took that one with a grain of salt because the muscle count was unusually high.

But now, look at this week! Fully a pound more muscle. I know it should be more like I have half as much fat as muscle, but this is a huge, amazing shift and I'm counting it as a milestone.

Speaking of shoulds, I keep a kind of tally of what I "should" weight versus what I actually weigh, based on calories eaten and burned. "Should" is in quotes because none of my measurements are infallible - I have to estimate a few foods a week, and hell, nutrition labels are allowed to be off by a certain percentage. I'm also estimating how many calories I burn per day.

With those disclaimers, here's what the math says: I "should" weigh 169 pounds. Bottom line, I "should" be in the 160s already. But try telling my body and the scale that.

I'm feeling good about the upcoming week. It's so much slower than I'd like, but I'm heading in the right direction.


I don't care that it's a tired topic, I am SO happy that spring is coming around! Who's with me? 

Do you have "should" and "actual" for anything in your life?

Weekly Weigh-In: Seesaw

I got my groove back, working hard and ending the week with a 3300-calorie deficit. (I.e. almost a pound's worth of calories.) 

This week’s weigh-in below. Since I’ve been doing more intensive Tuesday night workouts that I think might have been affecting the weigh-in, I got on a scale a day early.

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/11	2/18	2/25	3/4
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	174.2	178	177	175
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	64.7	67.4	66.5	64.6
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	63.5	64.2	68.2	64.1

So we’re getting closer to where it’s supposed to be before the ridiculous 4-pounds-up-in-one-week gain, but still a couple pounds off by my calorie calculations. On another note, look how close the fat and muscle pounds are! The seesaw is about to turn the other way.

Honestly, I’m worried this is starting to mess with my head. Just based on these numbers, my weight has been overall quite stagnant for months. But it shouldn’t be. But it is. And I'm tired of being tired of it.

I’ve had one or two people tell me that they’ve noticed I look smaller, more compact, compared to a couple of months ago. I can feel it, too. My back and waist are smaller, and I think my thighs are actually smaller too. That one’s especially great, because they’re usually the last to go. I can see my jawline has gotten more defined. It's definitely time for some new measurements and progress photos, actually.

So it’s like my appearance matches my efforts and success, but the scale, even with it’s fat/muscle magic, isn’t. I liked the scale because it’s supposed to be a good way to measure shorter term progress, but right now it’s not doing its job. So I either need to really, really focus on the positive changes that have been happening to my body (because they really have and it’s great) or stop weighing in.

Tools are only tools when they’re useful (unless of course you’re talking about people who are tools), and this one’s not being useful. It’s time for some updated measurements, ASAP.

The other question is, should I put the scale away? 
Who else is sick of my whining besides me?

Weekly Weigh In: "No Comment"

I do not want to write this post. Despite everything - the workouts and the calorie deficit I squeezed out this week, my weight is still not back where it should be. Why? I have no clue. This can all be summed up as: I’m still doing this, still tracking and eating right and working out. But I’m also really, really pissed. I did not gain three pounds. Yet, here they are, like an uninvited guest. But not just any guest. It's the misogynist racist from next door who won't mow his lawn and lets his dog poop on your lawn.

	Start	6/8	8/19	9/30	10/29	12/31	1/28	2/4	2/11	2/18	2/25
Weight	200	191.2	182.6	181	181.4	177.2	174.6	175.8	174.2	178	177
Lbs. Fat		82.7	72.5	70.3	70.8	67.1	65.3	66.8	64.7	67.4	66.5
Lbs. Muscle		67.3	66.8	65.2	67.3	63.9	64.4	65.2	63.5	64.2	68.2

Slightly interesting that muscle has really increased, but the fat pounds and overall weight measurement are so high! I know I had about a 1/2-1/3 pound gain last week. But not this week. And not this much.

In other news, since I joined the gym the day after my 25th birthday, last week marked my one year anniversary of being a member! I think this might be my longest period of consistent exercise, ever. It’s actually a real habit, a part of my life that I like, and I want it to stay that way forever. I want to be that 90-year-old yoga instructor.

I’ve even finally started to really take advantage of all the classes that are part of my membership. I’d been going to Zumba since the summer, but that was about it. Now I’ve tried Step, Power Dance, and Total Body Conditioning. Step was not for me - it didn’t have the camaraderie and mutual suffering bonding of most of the other classes I’ve gone to. But the other two are great, made even better by going with my gym buddy.

The first is called Power Dance. This week was our second time going, and I really enjoyed it. It’s basically learning a basic step, and then slowly adding more steps, all to different songs. There’s a ton of jumping involved so it ends up being a pretty intense workout. The only issue is that the moves seem to be the same from week to week, though the music changes. Since there aren’t that many moves in total (5-10 total, and many are very similar to each other), I wonder if that would get boring week after week, or if I would just get more comfortable with the moves and therefore be able to push myself harder - jump higher, kick harder. For now I really like it and the instructor is great.

The other new class we tried is called Total Body Conditioning. If you haven’t done it, it’s basically a group weight lifting class. Everyone gets a step, a weighted mesh pole, and some free weights. Then the instructor sets up different ways to lift, working out the entire body over the hour-long class - first arms, then legs, then abs. For each set, he plays thumping music and lets us know how long to keep going and when to rest in between sets. It takes the thinking out of weight-lifting.

Bonus that the conditioning class we’ve been going to is taught by the Power Dance instructor, so of course we really like him. That means that we’re taking two exercise classes in a row on Tuesday nights - first cardio, then strength training. So a hard 1.5-2 hour workout the night before I weigh in? Maybe I can blame that a little for these last couple of weeks?

The no/low sugar challenge is going well so far. Right now I’m not putting a blanket ban on sugar, because I like it in my coffee. Rather, I'm trying to make it a real treat instead of what it's been now, which is not worth the calories. #1 place to work on is work: first, there’s a candy bowl, plus someone puts treats in the kitchen a few times a week. Today it was mini Milky Ways in the bowl and bakery cookies in the kitchen. I didn’t have any, woot! Last week that would have been a quick 150 calories down the drain. Not necessarily a derailment, because I do have the flexible calories, but quite simply not worth it.

The other place I’m avoiding the sugar is at home. No more baking for our potluck meals, as much as I enjoy making desserts. It’s just not a good idea for me right now.

What’s your favorite exercise class?

Do you avoid making any foods for others because it’s too tempting?

Do you think I’m delusional and must be secretly hoovering frosting from the can?