Results & The Things Everyone Can Agree About

1. Water is good
2. Vegetables are good
3. Refined sugar is not great
4. Oxygen is important

Those seem to be the only four things that the nutrition community can agree upon. And that’s with the third one being debatable and that fourth one being a joke. So really, there’s only two things we can agree on. Are eggs good? Does butter raise the good kind of cholesterol? Do we need carbs for energy? What minion of Satan marketing executive made up the terms ‘superfood’ and ‘foodie’? Whoever you are, you superfood-curating foodie, I hate you.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I found myself back at the lowest and worst junction of weight loss. This is where I’ve completely faced the consequences and results of my recent bout of not caring and subsequent weight gain, and want to do something about it, but haven’t yet started.

This is the worst part because before this, I was eating terribly and had gained weight, but didn’t care and/or was in denial, so it was okay in a way. Past this point, I might still feel like crap about the gain, but will have lost a couple of pounds and feel like I’ve really started to do something. But the in-between of these two things? When you’re on the bottom between the twin peaks of weight gain and accomplishment? They suck.

I tried to figure out where to start. I’ve been at this point, even written about it here. Last time, I decided that I needed a slap in the face, to cut out the food groups that I couldn’t control myself around, so that hopefully, eventually, I could come to a middle ground of sustainable weight loss and maintenance. I’ve written about going to the other extreme to find moderation. God, that’s depressing to think how I’ve been on this exact pathway.

In the end, I decided to try a modified kind of Whole30. Why Whole30, a “cleansing health food plan” that I genuinely think is mostly fear-mongering pseudo-science? I’m… not quite sure. It was something that cut out carbs and sweets, the areas where I have the most trouble. It’s really similar to Atkins, except Atkins is a diet and Whole30 is some kind of “reset” that most people end up losing weight on.

On Whole30, you can eat: meat, fish, eggs, vegetables (including potatoes), nuts, oils, and fruits

That means you’re supposed to cut out: Dairy, legumes (so peanuts too), grains, soy, sugar in any form except fruit, and alcohol. I might be missing some stuff for the 30-day plan, but that’s the gist of it.

I’m not following it perfectly - I’m still having a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee, and haven’t cut out soy sauce. But other than that, it's been good. I'm eating a lot of meat and vegetables, mostly. The hardest part has been breakfast. I don't think I'll ever be able to face meat for breakfast, so it's either eggs in some form, or a banana with almond butter. I miss my yogurt.

How they see my sugar consumption, I assume.

This weekend wasn't great though. I had some sweets at a wedding and then some more crap at a BBQ we went to yesterday. I was angry at myself, trying to remember that guilt is useless, and focus on 1) how I’ve been doing pretty great otherwise and 2) It would have been 10x worse. So far it's mostly working.

I have just under two weeks left, and I’ve really been digging this whole not-tracking thing. I’ve know I’ve spouted tracking as my personal good path to weight loss, but at this point I like cutting out some foods more than tracking all of them.

Weight update:

	Start	2 Weeks	Change
Weight	182.6	177.6	5
Lbs. Fat	70.9	68	2.9
Lbs. Muscle	Unsure	63.8

A cool five pounds in two weeks! I’m really pleased with that, which is a weird feeling since it’s overlaid with enormous annoyance that I’m back in the 170s. But moving on, and down.

Self-Sabotage and "Deserving" to Lose Weight

After I posted last week, I was feeling great. The next four or five days I was wonderfully on track - I ate well, went to the gym, and overall felt in control. No office cake for this lady!

Then I screwed up yet again over the weekend, and I’ve been trying to get back ever since. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am of feeling this way?

Maybe it’s the Psych major talking, but I spend a lot of time analyzing my emotions. In this case, my overeating was systematic and deliberate. It was almost that I was actually making sure I wasn’t eating well. Why the self-sabotage?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve to lose this weight - to be healthy, to look better and feel better. That would be a self-esteem issue. Or maybe there’s a part of me that seriously doubts my ability to actually lose the weight and, more importantly, keep it off. So that part of me, in its infinite wisdom, is willing me to give up before I start, so I don’t waste all this time and energy. That one also mostly comes down to self-esteem.

Whether it’s one of those reasons, or some other deep-seeded psychological issues that will only be revealed under deep hypnosis, the end result is that I’m still really struggling. My goal at this point is to just not go crazy. Last month when I was also struggling, my goal was just to not go backwards, and I was able to do that. I need to keep that up now, and to remember that I do deserve this. Everyone deserves to be healthy, including me. I just have to earn it.

This weekend is yet another Jewish holiday, ones that ostentatiously revolves around cheesecake and blintzes (don’t ask). I will probably be surrounded by food from Friday night through Monday night, but not be able to track or go to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Based on how much I’m dreading the food part of this holiday, I think I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself. The faith that I can be in this for the long term, that I can beat the appallingly bad statistics on successful weight loss and maintenance, is quite fucking important. It what makes you keep going after you make a mistake.

I have no plan for the holiday, honestly. I have told the husband that I’m not in a good state of mind, food-wise, and he should be aware of that so he can gently ask me if I actually want that [calorie bomb]. John’s also very useful in meals - if I take a piece of bread without thinking, and then realize or decide that I don’t want it, I can pass it to him. He’s a slim guy with a big appetite. This is helpful because I can change my mind about food without trying to awkwardly put it back, or feel like I’m wasting it.

However, after this holiday, when the time is mine again and the weather continues to be lovely, I am going to take a hard, honest look at myself. I need to make progress again, for my sanity as well as my health. I’m considering doing a Whole30 or some other short term limiting diet. Going to one extreme for a little while can help to find a balance. I am usually willing to try any reasonable meal plan, as long as I don’t have to buy any special products. But the bottom line is that I need to refocus, and also actually work on my relationship with food. 

Healthy people don’t eat cake because of weird psychological reasons that they need to analyze, but just because cake is delicious. I’d like to be one of them.