Self-Sabotage and "Deserving" to Lose Weight

After I posted last week, I was feeling great. The next four or five days I was wonderfully on track - I ate well, went to the gym, and overall felt in control. No office cake for this lady!

Then I screwed up yet again over the weekend, and I’ve been trying to get back ever since. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am of feeling this way?

Maybe it’s the Psych major talking, but I spend a lot of time analyzing my emotions. In this case, my overeating was systematic and deliberate. It was almost that I was actually making sure I wasn’t eating well. Why the self-sabotage?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve to lose this weight - to be healthy, to look better and feel better. That would be a self-esteem issue. Or maybe there’s a part of me that seriously doubts my ability to actually lose the weight and, more importantly, keep it off. So that part of me, in its infinite wisdom, is willing me to give up before I start, so I don’t waste all this time and energy. That one also mostly comes down to self-esteem.

Whether it’s one of those reasons, or some other deep-seeded psychological issues that will only be revealed under deep hypnosis, the end result is that I’m still really struggling. My goal at this point is to just not go crazy. Last month when I was also struggling, my goal was just to not go backwards, and I was able to do that. I need to keep that up now, and to remember that I do deserve this. Everyone deserves to be healthy, including me. I just have to earn it.

This weekend is yet another Jewish holiday, ones that ostentatiously revolves around cheesecake and blintzes (don’t ask). I will probably be surrounded by food from Friday night through Monday night, but not be able to track or go to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Based on how much I’m dreading the food part of this holiday, I think I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself. The faith that I can be in this for the long term, that I can beat the appallingly bad statistics on successful weight loss and maintenance, is quite fucking important. It what makes you keep going after you make a mistake.

I have no plan for the holiday, honestly. I have told the husband that I’m not in a good state of mind, food-wise, and he should be aware of that so he can gently ask me if I actually want that [calorie bomb]. John’s also very useful in meals - if I take a piece of bread without thinking, and then realize or decide that I don’t want it, I can pass it to him. He’s a slim guy with a big appetite. This is helpful because I can change my mind about food without trying to awkwardly put it back, or feel like I’m wasting it.

However, after this holiday, when the time is mine again and the weather continues to be lovely, I am going to take a hard, honest look at myself. I need to make progress again, for my sanity as well as my health. I’m considering doing a Whole30 or some other short term limiting diet. Going to one extreme for a little while can help to find a balance. I am usually willing to try any reasonable meal plan, as long as I don’t have to buy any special products. But the bottom line is that I need to refocus, and also actually work on my relationship with food. 

Healthy people don’t eat cake because of weird psychological reasons that they need to analyze, but just because cake is delicious. I’d like to be one of them.

Sir Lettuce and the Evil Mastermind Jelly Donut: The Power of Food

A year ago I wrote about the best piece of weight loss advice I ever got. It boils down to the importance of forgiving yourself and moving on from overeating, or from eating something you wish you hadn’t. I'm much better than I used to be, but still working on it.

But I didn’t go into one of the big reasons why I think it’s so important to forgive yourself. I said that food guilt accomplishments approximately zero and can actually be demotivating because it makes you feel badly about yourself. And that's all true.

But the other “why” is this: Food guilt is pointless because there's nothing to feel guilty about, because I didn’t do anything bad, because cookies are not bad. Cake is not bad. Lettuce is not good.  They’re just different types of foods. Some more healthy, some less healthy, some with more nutrients and others with less. Cookies didn’t steal your lunch money to buy more cookies with which to throw a rambunctious party and create more cookies, and kale didn’t start volunteering at the pet shelter every Saturday.

This also happens to by why I absolutely hate the word and concept of superfood. By the superfood standards, spinach and romaine are just as superfoody as kale. Likewise for blueberries vs. acai. It's just that kale and acai are novel foods and therefore more interesting.

Certain foods can be triggering. I never, ever buy marshmallow fluff or bottled whipped cream because I always end up eating the whole container in a matter of days. That still doesn’t make it bad, that just means I try to put myself in a situation where I'll be especially temped to overeat.

Putting food into categories gives it so much more power than it deserves. Feeling guilty over food gives it too much power. Overall, food has too much power. Or rather, sometimes we give it too much power. I’m not “oh my god, so BAD” if I eat a cookie, and I’m not “being good” if I have a salad for lunch. Rather, I’m bad if I steal the salad from my local hipster salad place, and I’m good if I get extra cookies to give to my coworkers.

I know this, rationally, but that doesn’t mean those feelings of guilt are gone forever. When I’ve messed up a little, eaten my way from a 3500 calorie deficit to a 2800 one, I’ve definitely been annoyed at myself. When I’ve devoured an entire jar of Fluff, I’m certainly not happy with my choice. But I try really hard to take it into the context that I’m human, I’m going to screw up, and this is something I can and will absolutely move on from. And the road to heath is paved with many chocolate covered bumps, right?

Food can be tempting. It sustains. It’s necessary. It can be delicious. It can be wonderful or make you sick. But it’s just food.

Week 4: Almost Halfway

Week three, which ended last Sunday, was the definition of “good, but not great.” I ate at my calorie deficit, just not the 1.5 lb/week one I was aiming. I exercised, but not as much as I’d like. It was a reasonably successful week but not as good as it should have been.

This week has been harder, the first “hard” week since I restarted. I am glad it’s almost over and look forward to getting back to normal, boring life on Monday. I can get food-challenged when (pretty normal) life stressors happen.With the exception of Wednesday, it hasn’t been that bad a week with food, it was more challenging and with lower than goal calorie deficits.

This week, J spent most of his time helping his dad with moving-type projects and we’re still not done. Altogether we spent a lot of time out of the house on various errands, and then stayed a few extra nights at my parent’s house because of all there was to do. While I could have packed lunches and cooked from there, I just… didn’t.

As for Wednesday, I ate some of the chocolate mousse cake at a farewell office party, plus a bit of picking at the leftovers that were in the kitchen. It was delicious, but not worth it. I also ended up eating Chinese food for dinner. Not close to a binge, but too much nonetheless and possibly into gain territory for the day. The cake did not lead to the chicken moo-shu in a guilty, who-cares-I-already-messed-up kind of way; it was more I’m-really-stressed-out eating with a side of sticky rice.

While I was eating, I was also thinking how I was most definitely using the food to comfort myself from the week and working so hard to stay positive because J was quite stressed. Yet my reaction to these thoughts was along the lines of “It’s working. I kind of feel better.” Maybe as long as this is a very rare occurrence and I really do follow my eating plan the rest of the time, it’s okay.

I know the most important thing is to not allow an imperfect day to make a crappy week. I’m almost halfway through this eight-week crunch time, four weeks from actually knowing my weight and if I lost body fat. It’s good to remember that even if I’m can’t always control where I am or what food is put in front of me, I do control whether I eat it. It’s obviously easier to eat food that someone put in front of me, and harder to resist, it’s still my choice. So far I’ve been really proud of my progress, I’m not going to stop now.

Last night we flew to Michigan to visit J’s mother and her husband. His mom had told us that they recently adopted a second cat, but I didn’t realize until we arrived that it’s a tiny, pure black, mewing little kitten, who currently spends most of her time on my father-in-law’s shoulder.

She fits inside a shoe.

Adorable kittens aside, J’s mom is throwing an Independence Day party today and I’m about to go help her set up. She invited a ton of people and bought 3 tons of food, but (at least right now) I’m feeling confident that I can be in control and not let “it’s just sitting there” wear me down.

Happy July 4th to all! It's July 4th everywhere.

The Most Important Weight Loss Tip I Know

On Tuesday John (my husband) and I stopped at the drug store after the gym and got some chocolate truffles. We've bought candy a few times since we started working out, when I'd track a workout and realize I had more calories to spare than I'd anticipated.

My favorite kind of math.  

It all worked out well on Tuesday, but then on Friday I ate all the chocolates that were left. I'm not sure what led me to do that - maybe I was de-stressing from the week, maybe I was bored, maybe I was feeling like some self-sabotage.

Not surprisingly, I felt guilty over it and angry at myself, and that quickly led to writing off the rest of the evening. Might as well grab a handful of chocolate chips. I knew this was the worst kind of trap to fall into, letting one non-ideal food choice lead to another.

During these delightful times, I try to focus on the best piece of weight-loss advice I ever got. It's something that I still struggle with, but am continuously working on.

When I eat something that isn't part of my weight-loss or general healthy eating plan, I try to forgive myself. Immediately and unequivocally. You should, too. 

Whether you ate an extra brownie, or an entire jar of frosting, it really doesn't matter.  Assuming you didn't eat the last of an endangered species or a still-steaming and possibly animated pie you stole off somebody's windowsill, the only person you've affected is yourself. And not that much, probably. Perhaps you've made a mistake, but you're human and it happens. 

Nobody belongs here.

You ate it; perhaps it wasn't the best choice to make, and it may even put you over your calories for the day or make you bloated tomorrow, but feeling guilty over it will accomplish exactly nothing. 

Guilt may seem like an unavoidable and appropriate self-punishment for eating something off your plan, but it will just make you feel badly about yourself, force you to focus on the past choice instead of moving forward. All that will make it more likely that you'll make additional negative food choices, choices you might not have even considered otherwise, which could in turn lead to more guilt and more food. 

This tastes like shame.

This is something with which I still struggle, but I think just acknowledging and reminding myself that I don't need to feel badly helps. On Friday I ate the chocolates and the chips, but on Saturday  I tried to get right back to it, and make and enjoy reasonable food for the rest of the day. 

That not-feeling-guilty also means not punishing myself by eating less later, even if I technically "deserve" it. In general, even if that initial pie or whatever has already used up most of my allotted daily calories, the only adjustment I am willing to make to my eating is to skip dessert (because I've already had it). I will not skip meals or eat lettuce for dinner and go to bed hungry, even if that would allow me to "make up" for the pie and get that magical 500-750 calorie deficit, because that would be punishing myself.

 Instead, I accept that perhaps this won't be a calorie deficit day, and that's not the end of the world. My goal is to not allow any single bad decision to spiral into more, and to just wake up tomorrow and keep going.