Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Self-Sabotage and "Deserving" to Lose Weight

After I posted last week, I was feeling great. The next four or five days I was wonderfully on track - I ate well, went to the gym, and overall felt in control. No office cake for this lady!

Then I screwed up yet again over the weekend, and I’ve been trying to get back ever since. Are you as sick of reading about this as I am of feeling this way?

Maybe it’s the Psych major talking, but I spend a lot of time analyzing my emotions. In this case, my overeating was systematic and deliberate. It was almost that I was actually making sure I wasn’t eating well. Why the self-sabotage?

Maybe I don’t think I deserve to lose this weight - to be healthy, to look better and feel better. That would be a self-esteem issue. Or maybe there’s a part of me that seriously doubts my ability to actually lose the weight and, more importantly, keep it off. So that part of me, in its infinite wisdom, is willing me to give up before I start, so I don’t waste all this time and energy. That one also mostly comes down to self-esteem.

Whether it’s one of those reasons, or some other deep-seeded psychological issues that will only be revealed under deep hypnosis, the end result is that I’m still really struggling. My goal at this point is to just not go crazy. Last month when I was also struggling, my goal was just to not go backwards, and I was able to do that. I need to keep that up now, and to remember that I do deserve this. Everyone deserves to be healthy, including me. I just have to earn it.

This weekend is yet another Jewish holiday, ones that ostentatiously revolves around cheesecake and blintzes (don’t ask). I will probably be surrounded by food from Friday night through Monday night, but not be able to track or go to the gym. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Based on how much I’m dreading the food part of this holiday, I think I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself. The faith that I can be in this for the long term, that I can beat the appallingly bad statistics on successful weight loss and maintenance, is quite fucking important. It what makes you keep going after you make a mistake.

I have no plan for the holiday, honestly. I have told the husband that I’m not in a good state of mind, food-wise, and he should be aware of that so he can gently ask me if I actually want that [calorie bomb]. John’s also very useful in meals - if I take a piece of bread without thinking, and then realize or decide that I don’t want it, I can pass it to him. He’s a slim guy with a big appetite. This is helpful because I can change my mind about food without trying to awkwardly put it back, or feel like I’m wasting it.

However, after this holiday, when the time is mine again and the weather continues to be lovely, I am going to take a hard, honest look at myself. I need to make progress again, for my sanity as well as my health. I’m considering doing a Whole30 or some other short term limiting diet. Going to one extreme for a little while can help to find a balance. I am usually willing to try any reasonable meal plan, as long as I don’t have to buy any special products. But the bottom line is that I need to refocus, and also actually work on my relationship with food. 

Healthy people don’t eat cake because of weird psychological reasons that they need to analyze, but just because cake is delicious. I’d like to be one of them.


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