So, what happened?
I was this close to hitting the official fifty-pound mark when everything in my life changed over the course of a few months - I got married, moved into a new apartment, and started at my first post-grad, full-time job. They were wonderful, inevitable changes, but they still knocked me on my suddenly growing ass.
I should have seen it coming, having planned the wedding and applied for the jobs, but somehow I didn't realize that even the most wonderful changes take some adjusting. I didn't realize how much I had relied on having such a free schedule, so when I no longer had all the time in the world, I didn't bother to make the time to exercise or eat right.
There was also the normal amount of stress that comes from setting up a new household and learning how to perform at a new job. I let those things take over my energy so much that focusing on losing weight seemed like a laughable goal on top of everything else. And because I have no middle ground when it comes to food, over those eight or so months, I gained about 35 of the 50 back.
That is where I'm starting from now.
There was also the normal amount of stress that comes from setting up a new household and learning how to perform at a new job. I let those things take over my energy so much that focusing on losing weight seemed like a laughable goal on top of everything else. And because I have no middle ground when it comes to food, over those eight or so months, I gained about 35 of the 50 back.
That is where I'm starting from now.
I realize there are so many similarities between the two times I gained a large amount of weight - the first time I reached 200 pounds, and last year when I let normal but busy life take over. It was really the denial that got me there, the denial that I was slipping, letting old habits creep back and eating for no other reason than I was bored, stressed, or that the food was in front of me. I think that's the single biggest factor in my weight gain - I couldn't acknowledge that I was gaining weight again, let alone how much.
I'm just having a muffin. Wait, did I also have one this morning? |
Sometimes it's hard not to get angry at myself for having gained so much weight back. It sucks in practical ways, like having to buy new, bigger clothing after I gleefully gave away everything that had gotten too big, certain that I would never need it again. I don't exactly love when I see old friends or acquaintances and realize how much healthier I was last time we met. But mostly it sucks because I let myself down, and all that hard work is now gone. I'm back to where I started.
However, just like I won't feel guilty over the food I eat, there is really nothing good that can come of being angry at myself. Guilt is not a motivator. I just have to do what I'm doing, which is to keep going, and lose the weight (again).
hey there! I found your blog through Kara's (dog lick baby world) and I'm also in NYC - if you ever need a workout buddy/someone to help stay accountable - I'm in the same boat as you! (lost almost 50 lbs in 2011..then gained it all back this year... womp womp...)
ReplyDelete-Emily (emrgarnett@gmail)
Hi, glad you found me! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this re-losing weight fun - but at least we know it's possible right?
DeleteThat could be awesome, do you belong to a gym? If it's the same gym as mine, the world will shrink another size.
Leah, I am enjoying your blog enormously, as you know by now ;).
ReplyDeleteHaha, I am still so glad to hear that!
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