Eat the Damn Donut

There are plenty of food-based activities at my company. We use it to welcome people, to say goodbye, to celebrate Friday, to mourn Monday, to discuss important celebrity issues over lunch, or just because. Employees occasionally leave treats in the kitchen for people to share, and the firm sporadically buys bagels and lox for all. These events are a good way to bond and get to know people outside of the office setting in which I usually see them. However, inevitably, there is always, always, at least one comment like these when it comes to the actual eating:

While taking a bagel: Haha, I should not be eating these, but they look so good!

While enjoying some fries: This is why I have salad for lunch!

Eating a cookie: I think this is okay, I had such a great workout this morning, right?

On taking a second cookie: Ugh, why am I doing this! This is like my second cookie, someone take them away! I’m getting fat!

On appearing dazed and with blood on their clothing: So I was just… at the library.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my co-workers and I’m lucky to work with such great people. This is a larger criticism of our reflexive belief that we need to either justify or condemn ourselves for any bit of unhealthy food. This isn’t limited to my co-workers, but to everyone who thinks they need to explain the donut in their hand. I’ve heard customers justify their coffee or pastry orders to Starbucks cashiers, who truly do not give a shit. Skinny, slim, average, and overweight alike, most of us have done it.

I used to be much more sensitive about what I was eating in public. Perhaps struggling with my weight made it worse. Getting some French fries? I hoped they didn’t think I was just another fatty gorging on fries. Ordering a salad with grilled chicken, dressing on the side? I hoped they didn’t think I was just another fatty on a diet that would never work. Check a fake text at Potbelly’s when buying a sandwich AND a cookie to make sure that I’m getting the correct type of cookie for my “friend”? Been there.

Then I finally realized that if someone is judging me for what I'm eating, then quite simply, they are the ones with the problem. And if I am judging someone for what they're eating, then I have a problem. Unless they stole my lunch from the fridge, the food choices made by a fellow adult are none of my damn business. So when people laugh about how they can’t believe how many pieces they’ve eaten of the fancy French chocolate that someone bought while in Europe, and how they need to stop, I just shut up. Even if they probably shouldn’t be eating that third donut, it’s between them and the donut.

I think part of why we assume others are judging our food choices - hence the need to justify or condemn them - is because we’re doing it to ourselves first. It ties into the larger problem that so many of us have, which is feeling guilty about our food choices. I’ve ranted about this before, about how feeling guilty over something I ate is just an utter waste of time, serves no purpose, and is often used as an excuse for inaction or to continue eating. It’s not going to change anything and I didn’t actually hurt anybody, so I need to move on and forgive myself for my mistakes.

Wisdom.

That’s part of why I started a blog. How many people want to hear my debates over 1300 net calories vs. 1100 net calories, or about how I’m deciding whether or not to count vegetables in my daily totals? I write here so that anybody who is interested can read, and anybody who’s not isn’t forced to listen to me describe the controlled experiments I conduct on my heart rate monitor. Similarly, nobody wants to hear about why their co-worker is or is not eating something.

We feel like we need to justify all these things, forgetting that nobody cares that much, and it’s none of their business anyway.

Leah's Proposed Alternative Eating Commentary:

- "This is/that looks delicious.”

- "In my studies on the planet Thorcrondeux 92, I learned that humans get energy by putting particular substances into their unattractive face gaps and I feel that I am fitting right in. Shall we talk about the lack of water falling from the sky, or the current temperature?"

"Goal Weight" Clothes are Pointless

I recently bought some spring clothes, as most of my clothes are either too small or meant for winter. I got some nice brightly colored tops, sandals, and a few dresses. New sunglasses were also necessary, since the pair I’d had for the last ten years finally broke. I bought them for $10 at a random highway stop stand when I was fifteen and they served me well.

I like having nice new clothes, but I don't love shopping, especially as a size 14. I've talked about the annoyance of vanity sizing, and it's still going strong. Yesterday I went to work in some of my new clothes: a dress, size XL, and a white cardigan, size medium. Both are fitted pieces and were flattering. I think they may have even been the same brand. This makes no sense.

Context. Thanks for the inspiration Kara 

While vanity sizing is an equal opportunity exasperation, fun for everyone from obese to petite, shopping while trying to lose weight has a unique challenge: the temptation to buy something that’s just a little too small. Why not? you say. I’ll fit into this dress when I weigh fifteen pounds less, it’s such a nice dress, such a good price, let me just buy it and wear it in a couple of months when I’m thinner.

I’m not the savviest of shoppers, but as a person who has fluctuated from 145-200 pounds since high school, there is one shopping rule I've learned to follow: Always, always, buy the size you are now. Always buy what fits and is comfortable today.

Sometimes when I see women buying clothing with the promise to lose some weight in order to actually wear it, it looks like a punishment. It's a hint that they don’t deserve to wear the item until they've lost weight. This attitude seems especially prevalent in bridal shops.

But I’m not going to punish myself for being fat by buying pretty clothes I can’t wear. There are already enough “negative” reasons for me to lose weight - I’m not comfortable in my body, I’m not healthy - I don’t need too tight clothing as another reminder of what I haven't accomplished.

So I buy what fits now. It just makes more sense.

• When (yes!) I do lose weight, I can have clothing taken in. So if I really love something that I bought a few months ago and is now too big, I probably don’t have to say goodbye to it completely
• It’s impossible to predict how my body will change as I lose - perhaps my waist will be thinner in proportion  to my hips than they are now. 
• This is also a reason against buying a goal style - like a bikini or skinny jeans
• A few years ago my sister lost about 25 pounds. She went down two sizes, but her larger-than-average chest stayed the same. If she had bought a cute but too small top at her heavier weight, it might not have ever fit
• Why not buy something I can wear tomorrow? Why fill my wardrobe with things I can't wear?
• It’s nice to wear something new. Besides, if I'm buying it now, that almost always means I need it now, not in five months.
• It's confusing and absurd to go through ones wardrobe and have to remember if any given thing fits

• Avoid unnecessary pressure to lose weight to fit into whatever it is. Why create that drama? I should be able to wear everything in my closet. 
• I've fluctuated a lot since high school, so I already have clothes that don’t quite fit right now. I have an amazing blue work dress that I looked damn good in, and right now it doesn't even zip. That can be my “lose weight and wear this” or goal pile, I don’t need any more.
• Nobody knows what size you are, so might as well buy the one that fits and looks good, and enjoy it

I hate "sizing up" as much as the next person even though I know how arbitrary it is. In the past, when I've bought something that fits and looks good, but is a size I don't like, I cut the tags out of it when I get home. Care instructions are usually on a separate tag, so there's no reason to keep the one that lists the size. I soon forget what size it was in the first place, but I have something nice that fits me well. 
Bonus: sizing up, when I need a larger size, will make me look smaller because properly fitting clothing always does.

Quitting Food

I used to think life would be easier if eating were optional. Ten years old and struggling with food and self-esteem issues, I'd think about how great it would be if I didn't have to worry about what I ate, or how much I should be having.

It would be like an old-time ad. Having trouble with your weight? No problem, just stop eating! Use the time and money you once spent on groceries and cooking and do something else. Quit food just like you would quit smoking, easy as (not eating any) pie.  

 Now though, I’m glad that I still get to eat. I accept that I can’t eat whatever I went, whenever I want it, but it's pretty lucky that I don't need to cut any foods out of my life, and I don't need to have that "last [insert delicious food] ever."

Gung-Ho Habits

Score!

I feel a difference in my hips and waist. There's definitely less going on there than just a few weeks ago. My arms may also be slightly more toned. I'm happy to feel like I've made some progress, even if the scale isn't aware.

It's been about 3 weeks since we started working out regularly, and the difference in how my body feels is a great motivator to keep doing so. I'm generally feeling good, and maybe even a little more patient.

However, I know that we need to work on making the gym a normal part of our lives. The idea is to bank on the whole gung-ho motivation and drive right now to create good habits that can help through the rougher or lazier times.

 I know from my own experiences that's it's harder to go to the gym when you already haven't gone for three weeks - just like it's harder to put away the clean laundry that's been sitting in your basket for five days - because the urgency is gone. Putting something off one extra day is so much easier when it's piled on top of twenty others, and before I know it I haven't gone for months.

So right now I'm trying to make "going" the default for when I have too many easy excuses I can use not to go.

Delicious Combinations, and Work is Busy Again

I'm going to try not to weigh myself for at least a month. Though I'm feeling good, I have a long way to go and I need to just focus on the next day so that I don't get frustrated if I don't lose as much as I think I should have. Now that I'm on the right track, I'm even more impatient for what seems inevitable.

Would you like to see my belly button? 

Tonight I enjoyed one of the best combinations known to man - vanilla ice cream and peanut butter. Try it. This delightful treat was also a good reinforcer that I can fit in a nice dessert with normal meals if I plan a little bit - basically, just not eat random crap during the day, and then later realize that it added up to way more than I originally thought.

On an unrelated note, work has been busy this week. We slowed down a lot over the holidays, but once mid-January rolls around everyone seems to start remembering everything they were supposed to do over the last few weeks. Since my work is based mostly on short-term projects from other people, it's also the end of weekdays with two or three hours of work followed by five hours of getting paid to read the entire Donner Party wikipedia entry and three months of Zits comics.

A bonus for busy times is that I really appreciate getting out of the office at the end of the workday, instead of just being happy that now I can go home and surf the internet in sweatpants. I'm also really, really lucky to be employed.

How I feel in sweatpants

Welcome

Hey, my first post!

This blog will mostly be about eating and weight loss. I may also talk about my life, or rant about random crap that happens during the day.

I have never been at a healthy adult weight as an adult - I reached and surpassed that milestone at the age of twelve. Since then, I have been steadily gaining, with occasional bouts of dieting that led to losses of 15 - 45 pounds.

Now I have found myself back at the point where I can either go forward and get healthy, or keep gaining. For me, at least, there isn't really an in-between as I have no maintenance skills.

Current stats:

Sex: Female
Age: 23
Height: 61 inches
Current weight: 188 pounds, wearing a US size 14 or 16
Highest weight: 205 (in 2009)
Lowest weight: Technically 7 pounds, but at this height, 147
Maybe Goal weight: 130
Location: New York City
Cheese: Pro

The title of the blog is pretty simple. It's a reminder of a simple concept that I need to internalize if I'm going to successfully lose weight: I am in control, not the food, both because I am human and it is inanimate, and because it will always be available.

I am very lucky to live in a country filled with food and money to buy it with, and hopefully I have many good years left to eat it. Therefore, there will virtually always be a next time for any particular food. I can buy some amazing sharp cheddar or whatever, enjoy a normal serving, and eat more of it the next day. And even the next day. I can also go to the store and buy more of the cheese.

It will be there. I am an adult and nobody will take my food away.

The title is also a tribute to the character Liz Lemon of 30 Rock, who has a particularly memorable and funny scene in which she sings about eating:

Thank you for checking out my blog! I always love chatting with people, especially those who are going through their own weight loss journeys, so please feel free to email me at mynightcheese@gmail.com